Manny Can't Help Himself

Manny Ramirez has apologized for pushing the Red Sox's traveling secretary to the ground after the secretary said he might not be able to get him 16 tickets to the Boston-Houston game.

To be fair to Manny:

1. The secretary didn't freaking do what Manny asked of him, when Manny asked of him. Back in the day, Ted Williams would've busted the dude's lip open. Yaz would've filleted him like he was a piece of tilapia. Oil Can Boyd would already have a new identity, living the good-life on the beaches of Argentina.

2. The secretary wasn't a lady secretary, but a man secretary.

3. Manny has hit 500+ home runs in the steroid era. He should get some leeway because of that.

4. He's incorrigible!

The Sea Hates Them Too

An outbreak of algae along the shores of Qingdao, China threaten the upcoming Olympic sailing events.

To its credit, China is handling the problem swiftly. Over 8,000 metric tons of the algae have already been rounded up and placed in detention facilities.

There's Always Arena League

Scouts from the Miami Dolphins, Green Bay Packers, Pittsburgh Steelers and Detroit Lions all witnessed a workout by former Lions RB Kevin Jones over the weekend.




When asked if any of them were interested in actually signing Jones, the Scouts replied, "Sign him? Oh no. No, no, no, no. When we heard about this, we just had to witness it to believe it. Sign him? (laughter) Whew. That's a knee-slapper. (spitting out some saliva from laughing) You do realize we're professional scouts, right? You are too funny."

(That being said, I'll probably take him in the 14th round of my fantasy draft next month.)

Dishonor Team, Dishonor Self

Former MLB pitcher Danny Rios has been suspended one year by Japanese baseball for testing positive for amphetamines.

At the end of serving the suspension, Rios must also perform ritual hari-kiri during the 7th inning stretch. The Japanese Players Union is currently only helping Rios appeal the suspension.

Grant Hill Tends To Suit Up

Grant Hill has exercised his contract option with the Suns for 2008-09.

Unfortunately for the Suns, Grant Hill's left ankle has only exercised its option with Grant Hill through the first ten games of the season.

Goodell Takes A Stand

Football commish Roger Goodell believes NFL rookies are overpaid. "There's something wrong about the system... The money should go to people who perform."

Yeah. I fucking hate people who try to make as much dough as possible in a violent sport that doesn't have guaranteed contracts. It's insane that a guy who knows his entire career could come crashing down with a single chop-block to the knee after the whistle blows would want to ensure that he actually has the money needed to support himself if and when the shit goes to shit.

Also, if Goodell believes only people who perform should be well-compensated, then most NFL kickers would need second jobs and food stamps to make a living.

Dude Really Likes Horses

Big Brown's trainer, Rick Dutrow Jr. is appealing his 15 day suspension for a positive drug test on another horse he trains.


Salute The Count, the horse in question, had more than the allowable limit for a drug that enables it to breathe easier. Mr. Dutrow retreated from the press and simply said, "It's just a mistake in the barn that happened... I need to be with my horses right now."

Hmmm... a drug for the horse to "breathe easier?"... A "mistake?"... He needs "to be" with his horses?

Sounds like Mr. Dutrow might be angling to appear in "Zoo 2: Mouth to Snout."

And Now... Starting At Catcher... ManBearPig!

MLB announced the rosters for next month's Futures Game, which is to take place at Yankee Stadium over All Star Weekend.

The most shocking omission is that no robots, cyborgs, aliens, man-animal hybrids (aka manimals), or XXY-chromosomed people were included on the rosters.

If the future of baseball doesn't include those things, then I want no part of it.

Maybe He Was RBing Drunk Too

Former Bears RB Cedric Benson was issued a court order to install an ignition-lock breath tester in his car as a bail condition on his current drunk driving charge.

This isn't as bad at as it sounds for Benson. He already installs these things as part of his new job at McLaughlin Body Shop in Naperville, Ill.

I Guess Employee Of The Month Is Out Of The Question

The Astros have suspended Shawn Chacon for "insubordination" after he grabbed GM Ed Wade by the neck and threw him to the ground.



So beating up your boss is only considered "insubordination?" It seems that "felony battery charge" would be the grounds for this suspension.

But at least Chacon was able to hit what he was aiming for -- dude's got a 5+ ERA. If there were a baseball in his hands, Wade would've at least had a chance in this fight.

"We've Gotta Play It One Day At A Time"

Barry Bonds refuses to sign with any independent minor league teams in order to boost interest from major league teams. 

In his statement to the press, Bonds said, "My life is not some sort of freak show, which is what it would turn into if I were to join one of these organizations. I'm not here to be laughed at, like I'm the 'Bearded Woman,' or 'Bat Boy,' or 'Gigant-Head.' I'm not going to play the role of 'Bruce B'Acne' or the 'Man With The Incredibly Shrinking Junk' for the sake of sports-entertainment. I am not a freak. I am a professional baseball player."

That being said, I think it would be interesting if Bonds were to join a team like the Long Island Ducks or the Newark Bears. He definitely would be able to break Crash Davis's home run record within a month. 

May I Please Have Som'more?

Wimbledon will no longer use marksmen to shoot at pigeons in order to keep them away from the tournament.

Instead, they will be employing British pigeons' natural enemy in the wild -- adorable street urchins. (Nutritional fact: Pigeons satisfy three of the six food groups!)

Something For Everybody

The Gatorade-drenched shirt that Doc Rivers wore the night the Celtics won the NBA championship last week was auctioned for charity to an anonymous bidder for $55,000.

Oddly enough, the winning bidder isn't even a fan of the Celtics.

Or of basketball for that matter.

He's just really really really into used men's dress shirts. There's something in the musk that's just erotically beautifully about it all -- or so I'm told.

J.E.R.R.Y... Man!

Mets skipper Jerry Manuel was ejected from last night's game after getting bumped by umpire Brian Runge.

Runge better watch his back because Manuel is a self described "gangsta." Just last week he threatened to "cut" Jose Reyes -- and he likes him.

Knowing Manuel's style, he'll probably sew Runge's asscrack up and keep feedin' him and feedin' him and feedin' him and feedin' him...

Or he can always take care of him Al Capone-style...

Shaq Is A Loose Canon

Shaquille O'Neal is being stripped of his special ceremonial deputy badges following the release of a video taken of him at a club over the weekend using derogatory language to rap about Kobe Bryant. 

Sure, the sheriff can take away Shaq's badges...

But he can never take away Shaq's guns. 

You Don't Mess With The Herron

Green Bay Packers RB Noah Herron broke up a robbery at his home by hitting one of the robbers over the head with a bedpost.

A bedpost? Herron is a beast! Those things are like six feet long. Dude must be the size of Paul Bunyan to pull that off.

The tale continues that the getaway driver tried to speed off but Herron lifted the back of the car up over his head and waited for the police to come. He then put out a four-alarm blaze at the local fireworks warehouse by simply blowing on it.

Stupid Limey Pigeons

Wimbledon is in trouble from animal activists for hiring marksmen to shoot down pigeons.



I don't see what the big deal is. The Australian Open does this same thing for dingos, as does the U.S. Open for homeless people.

I Believe The Good Dr. Dre Says This Should Be A Job For The Hollow Points

Carmelo Anthony has pleaded guilty to the reduced charge of driving while impaired.

He did what?

Sounds like Carmelo Anthony snitched on Carmelo Anthony to the po-po. 'Melo better watch his back 'cause he is gonna come after himself.

Shaq vs. Kobe: Round 83

Shaquille O'Neal was caught on tape at a nightclub doing a freestyle rap where he rips into former teammate Kobe Bryant.

The chorus to the song was "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes."

Not being the type of guy to let this go lightly, Kobe released his own response rap earlier today:

My name is Kobe
And I'm here to say
Shaquille O'Neal is very gay

His butt is fat
His stomach's round
At the "All You Can Eat" shrimp buffet is where he can be found

(beatboxes for 39 measures*)

*Kobe's beatboxing sounds mostly like he's spitting into his own hands. Choking almost. Yeah. It's like an awful choking sound that is completely alien to anything Kobe Bryant has been involved with recently.

It's Better Than A Newspaper Route

The Rangers, Reds and A's are in a bidding war for Michael Inoa, a 6 -foot-7 210-pound 16-year-old pitcher from the Dominican Republic.

It's rumored that his fastball is already in the 93-mph range.

Word on the street is that the Rangers have the lead in the race, having offered Inoa a $3 million signing bonus, as well as a PlayStation 3 and a handjob from Jessica Simpson.

Yeah, The Nickname Made Him Do It

Adam "Pacman" Jones no longer wants to be known as "Pacman."

I'm sure Adam Jones will have a new nickname in no time. But if he's taking suggestions, how about, "Thundercloud?" (because he makes it rain.)

More likely, it will be "Inmate #56982."


Or, if he one day has to share a cell with somebody bigger than him, he can be "Ms. Pacman."

Twice the Gasol, Same Overall Intensity

Marc Gasol, the little brother of Pau Gasol, will be making the leap to the NBA next season.

I can't lie to you guys -- I'm slightly disappointed the guy's name isn't "Bam."

I'm also a bit unsure how well Lil' Gasol is going to fit in with NBA culture, as he said this about American basketball: "There's another rhythm of play and another rhythm of life."

I hope he knows there will also be another rhythm of an elbow upside his head he keeps Euro-talking like that.

One Way To Make Dunking Not Fun

Candance Parker has become the second woman to dunk in a WNBA game.

Unfortunately, she was unable to become the first woman to make anybody care about a WNBA game.

And to be even more unfair to Ms. Parker, it sort of looked finger-rollish to me at the end.

The next time you have the opportunity to dunk, Ms. Parker (which happens on average once every five or so years in the WNBA), THROW IT DOWN.

The Great Bambina

On Saturday, Babe Ruth's 91-year-old daughter, Julia Ruth Stevens, made her last trip to Yankee Stadium. The "House That Ruth Built" will be retired at the end of the season. 

To honor her father, Stevens ate 17 hot dogs and downed 12 beers.  

He Breaks Down, But He'll Never Be Broke

Allen Iverson has decided not to opt out of his current contract with the Denver Nuggets, which will pay him $20.84 million for next season. 

A.I.'s number one reason for sticking with the Nuggets? 

No other team in the league will pay him $20.84 million for next season. 

Como Se Dice "Flopper?"

The San Antonio Spurs wants Manu Ginobili to sit out the Olympics if his ankle isn't fully healed.

To be fair to Manu, he already spends a lot of time sitting on the floor:

Somebody's Gonna Get Hit With An Errant Javelin

In order to improve air quality, Beijing will be removing over a million cars from the streets in time for the Olympics. 

At the time of removal, Beijing plans on having four political dissidents in each car. 

(That's right, Roto Recall just Daily Show'd your asses!)

A "Blink" Moment

Sex Offender Wins $57 Million in Lottery

My gut instinct when I read that headline was:

Kobe don't need that money. 

W. Congradumates the Celtics

President George W. Bush called the Boston Celtics to congratulate them on winning the NBA title.

He then asked Doc Rivers if he would mind stopping by the White House to check out a mole on his lower back.

Just Don't Say Anything About It, Okay?

Brewers pitcher Dave Bush lost his bid for a no-hitter in the eighth inning of today's game against the Blue Jays.

The man who broke it up? This Guy:


He just HAD to point out to his buddy that Bush still had the no-no going after eight-plus innings.

Go choke on a sausage, Mr. No Hitter Jinxing Guy.

Willie Randolph Never Sees It Coming

Willie Randolph now says he was "shocked" when Omar Minaya told him the Mets were firing him. 

Willie's shock shouldn't come as a surprised to anyone. This is the guy who was:

... stunned that the Steinbrenners would ever get rid of Joe Torre.

... amazed that "Speed Racer" turned out to be absolutely terrible. 

... flabbergasted when Lance Bass came out of the close. 

... astonished the day Dennis Kucinich pulled out of the race for the Democratic nom. 

... dumbfounded when his parents revealed to him, at age 17, that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real. (They didn't have the heart to tell him about the Easter Bunny.)

Best Inadvertent Nickname Ever

So I was doing my mile on the Precor this morning at the gym (yeah, I work out) while watching ESPN 2. They had closed-captioned on so we could instead listen to the inspiring words of Lil' Wayne over the speaker system. Anyway, they had their fourth-string reporters on their second-string network blabbering about the Angels starting rotation when the closed-captioned system scrolled across that "Chemical Victim Escobar" might come off the DL by All Star Break. By the fifth time, closed-captioning finally got Kevim Escobar's name right.

Regardless, Kelvim "Chemical Victim" Escobar is simply the best nickname ever. Just imagine:

"The 'Chemical Victim' burns another batter!".... "The 'Chemical Victim's' fastball could melt the bat out of a player's hands!"... "Oh no! Somebody has taken his nickname too seriously and has burned Kevin Escobar's face with some sort of chemical! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh my god! Oh no! Isn't anybody going to help him? Please! Oh the smell! And we're sitting really high up! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"

Yep. Kevim "Chemical Victim" Escobar is the man!

Sidney Ponson Always Lands On His Feet

Sidney "Big 'Tude" Ponson has signed a minor league contract with the New York Yankees. 

Big 'Tude started off on a classy note -- he flipped off Brian Cashman and told Derek Jeter to get his bags out of his Buick LeSabre rental for him.  He finished off by calling Jason Giambi's mustache "gay porn-ish." He chuckled and added, "I was just kidding. There's nothing 'ish' about it."   

Artest By The Numbers

Ron Artest said he's "99 percent sure" he won't opt out of the final year of his contract with the Sacramento Kings.




Artest is also "86 percent sure" that he won't try to not strangle anybody this week and "3.56 percent sure" that he won't attempt to put out another shitty hip-hop album.

Medical Advancement + Technology + Tiger = Zombie Woods?

Tiger Woods is shutting it down for the remainder of the golf season in order to have knee surgery and rehabilitate his left tibia.

Let us take a moment to pray that none of Tiger's doctors decides to play "god" and try a cutting-edge procedure that isn't yet approved by the FDA. Because if he/she does than there is a distinct possibility that Tiger Woods could come back a bit "different." A bit "hungrier' if you will. However, his taste won't just be for victory... it will be for human flesh!

We've seen it time and time again -- New science equals zombies. And quite frankly, a zombie Tiger would be completely unstoppable. He would literally eat up the competition and scores of young golfers will beg their parents to let them be bit by Tiger so that they too can have a successful future on the pro circuit.

And Tiger's wife! His hot hot Swedish wife! What a waste she would be as a zombie!

So to all the orthopedic surgeons out there who may conduct surgery on Tiger in the next month, please just stick with the old way of repairing knees. Anything new-fangled may be the end of the world as we know it.

Hate To Break It To You Pronk...

Travis Hafner wants to get a second opinion about his sore shoulder.

Well here it goes: You're fat. Be less fat and perhaps you'll be in less pain. But at the very least, if you are less fat, you will be less fat.

By the way, I don't accept insurance. Cash only, buster.

Sincerely,
Roto Recall, MD

Ways To Save The Mets Season

Start playing at Citi Field immediately. The coolness factor of that place has the ability to keep fans sedated through September. There's a rotunda named after Jackie Robinson, for pete's sake! A ROTUNDA!

Let Aaron Heilman have his way and put him into the starting rotation. And once we have him out in the open, we hire an assassin from the back of "Guns and Ammo" to take care of the rest.

Invent a time machine.

Drop off Carlos Delgado at a "farm" in the Catskills. Nature will take care of the rest.

Let's have a bench-clearing brawl -- but only with Mets bench. Sure, it might look like a race war, but maybe that'll bring some passion out of the team. I think Billy Wagner would be the perfect guy to initiate this, but he'd probably blow it. 

Score more runs than their opponents do in an overwhelming majority of the remaining games. It's just a theory I have, but I'd love to see it in practice.

Play a prank on Jose Reyes and remove all of his teeth while he's sleeping. Perhaps then he'd smile less and take pitches more. 

Sign Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa. At least then things will be interesting... 

Congrats Boston Celtics

While it's hard to hate on KG, here's something for you overbearing Boston fans:



At the very least, thank you for making Kobe miserable and feel "less than."

Willie Freed!

The Mets fired Willie Randolph at 3:15 in the morning, the night after he flew cross-country with the team to face the Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim), who play across the highway from Disneyland -- one of the most magical places on earth.

His situation is practically the exact opposite of any Super Bowl MVP:

ANNOUNCER: Willie Randolph -- you've just been fired by the New York Mets! What are you going to do next?

WILLIE: I'm gettin' the hell out of Disneyland!

I guess with Willie gone, Carlos Delgado will finally stop being a slow, fat, waste of space and the bullpen will finally be able to hold leads. Thanks for holding those saints back, Randolph. Now the Mets will shine like shiny cubic zirconia rings they truly are!

Of course, somewhere in Tampa, a confused and drooling George Steinbrenner stops throwing his pancakes into a ceiling fan and whispers to no one: "Well played, Minaya. Well played indeed."

For The Sake Of The Post, Just Go With Me On This One...

I haven't seen a Rocco choke-job like that since Siffredi's "Captain Organ."

Ponson's Got A Bad Attitude

Sidney Ponson has been released by the Texas Rangers for "disrespecting teammates and club personnel."

Ponson replied to media requests for interviews with a tersely worded statement, simply scrawling "fuck you" on a piece of toilet paper. Initial reports add that there was also a crudely drawn caricature of Rangers GM Jon Daniels with a phallus in his mouth.

UPDATE: Ponson has brought his bad attitude to North Carolina!