Roto Recall

Odensteogenesis Imperfecta

2008-10-28T21:58:00.000-07:00

Greg Oden left his first NBA game in the first half after suffering a foot injury. He missed all of last season with a knee injury.

Mr. Oden... meet Mr. Glass

It's like he's looking in a mirror.

The Lucky One

2008-10-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

New York Knicks forward Jared Jeffries broke his leg in practice over the weekend.

Apparently the injury happened when Jeffries looked at his teammates, muttered "Fuck that shit," and then bashed his own leg in with a tire iron.

Never Backe Down

2008-10-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

Houston Astros pitcher Brandon Backe was arrested for being in a barroom brawl this past weekend.

It's great to know you don't even have to be a professional baseball player to get a hit on Brandon Backe.

Detroit Will Miss Him

2008-09-24T10:36:00.001-07:00

Matt Millen has finally been fired as the GM of the Detroit Lions.

Good for Matt. He finally gets what he's always wanted.

One can only assume that he wanted to get canned based on how he's run the team. Dude definitely has the experience to head up Lehman now... or enter a bunch of Dennis Farina look-a-like contests. One of them will lead to riches for him.

It's So Shiny

2008-09-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

The Knicks plan on cutting Stephon Marbury by the end of the week.

Starbury has gotten a bad rap in New York. With only a passing glance, anybody can see what's wrong with him -- he's got an alien living in his head.

It's probably the same ones that set up shop in Sam Cassell's noggin too.

Turn and Cough

2008-09-22T16:39:00.000-07:00

Jeremy Shockey will miss three-to-six weeks because of a sports hernia.

How did the Saints' doctors even test him for this? Shockey rarely shows any balls on the field; you'd think he's a eunuch.

A New Fu-Schnickens Joint Too?

2008-09-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

Shaquille O'Neal claims that he will retire from basketball when his contract expires after the 2010 season.

Does this mean what I think it means... Shaq will finally have time to shoot sequels to "Blue Chips," "Kazaam," and "Steel?"

The golden age of the Big Aristotle on celluloid (1994-1997) can now enter the platinum era!

He Can Keep A Leprechaun And Sandwiches In The Basket

2008-09-15T14:48:00.000-07:00

Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weiss has decided to wait to have surgery on his left knee after being inadvertently tackled by a player during the Michigan game on Saturday.

We all know Big Chazz can't wait to ride along the sideline in one of these:

El Fantasor Jugador -- Episode 2

2008-09-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

Mexican wrestlers always spit the truth about fantasy football...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

OJ Will Find The Real Killer In Jail, Like In Shawshank

2008-09-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

OJ Simpson's lawyers are fighting to get a racially diverse jury in his upcoming trial for kidnapping and armed robbery.

Apparently the lawyers will not be content unless the jury is composed of at least:

2 African-American Men

2 African-American Women

3 Wiggers

A Blasian Hoochie

3 Black Albino Pre-Op Trannies

No white women with blond hair

A Mexican Eskimo

Then, and only then, will OJ Simpson be able to have a fair trial.

Darko & Marko for the Non-Narco

2008-09-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

The Knicks have an open trade offer on the table from the Memphis Grizzlies -- Zach Randolph for Darko Milicic and Marko Jaric.

If he's dealt, there's only two things Randolph will miss about New York: all-night pizza delivery and all-night weed delivery.

Creating A True Master Race, One Baby At A Time

2008-09-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

While recovering from his knee surgery, Tiger Woods found time to knock up his wife.

Good for Tiger that while he couldn't work on his long game, his smokin' hot wife was still able to work on his putz.

Del-Got-It!

2008-09-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Carlos:

Remember when I said you look like you ate Delroy Lindo?

I apologize.

Keep up the great work.
Roto Recall.

BirDie

2008-09-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

Pro golfer Tripp Isenhour agreed to probation, anger management classes and 100 community service after being charged with animal cruelty for killing a hawk with a chip shot. The hawk was allegedly chirping too loudly will Isenhour was attempting to film an instructional video.

Movie Pitch: Angry golfer with more of a chip on his shoulder than in his game is ordered by a judge to teach a flock of underprivileged inner-city hawks how to scavenger on the links instead of on the streets. Golfer played by Hugh Grant. CGI hawks voiced by Seth Rogan, Owen Wilson and the sassy duo of Jada Pinkett Smith & Tyra Banks.

Now all we need is $150 million...

Patrick Ewing Jr. Theory

2008-09-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

Patrick Ewing Jr. has been traded to the Knicks.

Many think unfair expectations will be heaped onto the son of former Knicks center Patrick Ewing, but the truth is both men will finish their New York careers with at least one similar stat.

Neither will win a ring.

He'd Still Creep Out Children

2008-09-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

Jeff Kent will have surgery to repair torn cartilage in his left knee.

You think if I slip the doctor a $50 he'll add on a procedure to Kent's upper lip to prevent him from ever growing a creepy pedophile-ish moustache again?

Hard Thrower, Somewhat Less So On The Running Part

2008-08-31T19:25:00.001-07:00

The Brewers are appealing the one-hitter C.C. Sabathia threw for them today. They believe the lone hit should have been scored an error.

The lone hit was a slow roller to Sabathia that he was slower to get to and wound up dropping anyway.

Maybe he should start envisioning the ball as a meatball. Nobody can remember the last time C.C. has dropped one of those.

Gray Brings Out His Swarthiness

2008-08-29T09:10:00.000-07:00

The Memphis Grizzlies have signed Iranian dynamo center Hamed Haddadi.

I think we all know what Haddadi will wear to his first press conference:

We Still Think It's An Adorable Little Hobby

2008-08-28T09:30:00.001-07:00

The 2008 Women's Final Four brought more than $19 million to the Tampa, Florida economy.

This year's Super Bowl will also be held in Tampa. I t's expect to bring in more than $300 million to the local economy.

Roto Recall gets the feeling that a Hannah Montana concert would bring the same flow to town as the women's NCAA tourney... except it would be waaaaay easier to nab a ticket for the basketball game.

His (Police) Record Isn't Impressive Enough

2008-08-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

The Cincinnati Bengals are shopping around Rudi Johnson.

In return, the Bengals expect to receive a player with a pending class 2 felony and/or bricks of heroin currently hidden in his girlfriend's leather couch.

I Hear He's Having A Great Time In Greece Too... Interesting

2008-08-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

The real reason Michael Strahan has decided to remain retired...

The McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich.

Bah-Di-Dah-Dah-Dah... I'm fuckin' lovin' it!

Straight Into The Throat

2008-08-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

A single thought on the Mets 13-inning 8-7 loss to the Phillies last night...

Swedes Start Boycotting Cuban Sandwiches

2008-08-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

In an essay, Fidel Castro has offered his full support to Angel Matos, the Cuban taekwondo athlete who was disqualified during his Bronze medal match and then kicked the Swedish judge in the face for disqualifying him.

Castro went on to pontificate about "European chauvinism" and "repugnant mercenary actions" of those who convince athletes to defect from the country.

I firmly believe Fidel is only a state media-published-essay-concerning-email-and-the-decline-of-punctuation away from becoming the Cuban Andy Rooney.

"Or, Imagine, Being Able To Be Magically Whisked Away To... Delaware."

2008-08-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

Elena Della Donne, the top female basketball recruit in the country, has transferred from UConn to Delaware so she can focus on playing volleyball.

Just goes to show you, even one of the best women's basketball players thinks that women's basketball is boring.

And that Delaware is a better place to live than Connecticut.

And that tight white volleyball shorts give a better tingly feeling than baggy white basketball shorts.

And that it's okay to wear black athletic socks.

Elena Delle Donne, you are a mystery slathered in enigma gravy, battered with a flaky crust of conundrum.

Start Practicing How Not To Look Concussed

2008-08-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

Brett Favre probably won't play in the Jets preseason finale.

I've got a better prediction: Brett Favre probably won't play in the Jets regular season finale either.

Miles Of Miles

2008-08-25T11:27:00.001-07:00

Darius Miles has signed with the Boston Celtics. He has missed the last two season while recovering from microfracture surgery.

Is a side-effect from microfracture surgery rapid aging? Darius played a high school student only four years ago in "The Perfect Score." Now dude looks like he could play Tisha Campell's husband who together oversee a house full of adorably snarky kids in a ABC Family sitcom.

The Tradition Continues

2008-08-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

The University of Miami has suspended 7 players, including starting quarterback Robert Marve, from their opening game next weekend for varying off-the-field incident s.

None of these kids should worry about having a future in the NFL -- as long as there's the Cincinnati Bengals, they can keep hope alive.

That's "Hot" As In Burning

2008-08-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

The Arizona Cardinals have named Kurt Warner as starting QB over Matt Leinart.

The team cited Leinart's shoddy playing in the preseason as the reason for the decision, however Roto Recall knows the truth:

Paris Hilton-infused gonorrhea has finally infiltrated Leinart's arm.

And let's be completely honest about it... There's probably a touch of the syphilis in it too. And by "touch," I mean Leinart's arm is syphilis.

Ay Dios Mios!

2008-08-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

Here's some free advice for Spain's basketball team who will be playing Team USA for the gold...

Don't do the African-American equivalent of that Chinese thing you did last week.

Ron Artest will be on the first junk to Beijing if you do.

Brits Should Try To Grab Hong Kong Too

2008-08-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

David Beckham will participate in Sunday's Closing Ceremony at the Olympics. He will be part of the British contingent that will be handed the Olympic flag to celebrate the 2012 London Games.

While there is a fevered excitement about Becks being involved, a quarter of the way through the ceremony everybody will realize that it doesn't make a difference if he's there or not and that they probably would've gotten similar results without him there in the first place. Right LA Galaxy?

Iron Lion Zion

2008-08-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

The IOC has publicly criticized Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt for excessive celebrating following his record-breaking runs in the 100-meter and 200-meter dashes.

Other people are hopping on the hate train too -- Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity have since accused Usain Bolt of being a secret Muslin.

Last Chance To Hit The Andy Warhol Museum

2008-08-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

University of Pittsburgh forward Mike Cook has been denied an extra year of eligibility by the NCAA. He missed most of his senior season with a knee injury.

Mike Cook needs to look at the bright side of all of this: He's just added an extra year of eligibility of him drifting from random D-League team to random Greek League team to random Serbian League team.

Plus, he doesn't have to live in Pittsburgh anymore.

He Likes To Linger For A Bit

2008-08-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

Philly receiver Kevin Curtis will miss the start of te NFL season due to hernia surgery.

Luckily the broken hernia was discovered during coach Andy Reid's daily hernia check of the team. Donovan McNabb all the way down to the dude in the Eagles mascot costume has to turn and cough for Coach Reid.

The man can't help it if he's an amateur hernia enthusiast.

Ways To Improve The Olympics: Part 4 of ???

2008-08-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

Steeplechase. This track and field event mainly involves running around in circles and jumping over random shit, including a puddle. It is so inconsequential that Konami did not even include it in it's hit 1988 Nintendo game "Track and Field."

Currently, the athletes run around 3000 meters. I say we quadruple that number.

They also run outside. Let's have them do it inside, with the heat really blaring. Say 103 degrees or so.

Then, instead of hurdles and puddles, we add somewhat jumpable electrified fences and a creek filled with piranhas and those tiny Amazon fish that swim up into urethras.

BAM! Now we've got an athletic event and/or a Japanese game show. Either way, the steeplechase has just become way more fun.

By Winning, He Doesn't Have To Go Back There, Right?

2008-08-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

Rohullah Nikpai won Afghanistan's first ever Olympic medal today. He took bronze in the under 58-kilogram taekwondo.

For all you Bush haters, suck on it. Exporting America works.

Before we were in Afghanistan they had ZERO Olympic medals. Now they have ONE Olympic medals. ONE OLYMPIC MEDALS! It's called math, you liberal pansies. Wiki it, pour some BBQ sauce on it and slurp it down your big old lie holes. Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm.

Now just watch as the medals start pouring into Iraq.

Oh... those aren't medals pouring into Iraq? They're insurgents?

Wow. Michael Phelps sure is the greatest Olympian ever, right...

The Numbness Can Make It Feel Like It's Somebody Else

2008-08-20T10:14:00.001-07:00

The Boston Red Sox are pushing back Josh Beckett's next start due to a lingering numbness in his right hand.

This is a common ailment in New England -- Boston sports fans have been jacking off too hard to the Pats, BoSox and Celtics that somebody was bound to get hurt.

It's Not Like He Bit An American

2008-08-19T10:41:00.000-07:00

Boxer Dzhakhon Kurbanov of Tajikstan was disqualified in his Olympic light heavyweight bout for biting his opponent, Yerkebulan Shynaliyev of Kazakhstan.

This is clearly a case of cultural misunderstanding. You see, native Tajiks like to eat people of Kazakhstan descent. They prefer them prepared raw and sweaty, so you can really sympathize with Mr. Kurbanov on this one.

The Richest Man In Indiana Ever

2008-08-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

Basketball coach Tom Crean has signed a 10-year $23.6 million contract with the University of Indiana.

Vanessa Langly, a third-year Indiana economics major who's working two campus jobs and has taken out a loan to pay for tuition, was unavailable for comment on the signing, as she was working at one of her two jobs.

Complete Complete Sabathia

2008-08-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

C.C. Sabathia pitched another complete game last night.

The following letter was slipped under Roto Recall's bathroom door last night (We need to invest in a security system):

Dear Bud:

Enough of this instant replay crap. Baseball needs something else instituted immediately.

More innings. Nine innings isn't enough baseball for me. Last night I got 27 people out on 130 pitches. Do you know what my arm feels like this morning? Think about the most marvelous boobie you've ever touched. Now double it, both in cup size and girth, and you've got my arm.

Let's give this game some cojones and up it to 14 innings, with five outs per inning. I figure then I can finally get the 260-pitch workout my body needs.

Truth be told, that's why I'm so fat. So if you think about it, I might die of diabetes or heart disease or a lamb shank if you don't super size baseball.

Yeah... Super size... I'm gonna go eat 27 of those McDonald's southern style chicken sandwiches now.

Fine, you got me. I've already eaten them and on my way to get more.

C.C.

B.S. Pen

2008-08-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

The Mets bullpen has yet again blown another game for the team.

There's only one way New York will be able to make it through the post-season -- train all of their starters to pitch ambidextrously. I would much rather see lefty John Maine come in for relief of righty John Maine than witness Duaner Sanchez, Scott Schoenweis or Eddie Kunz throw one more third-of-an-inning of "work."

The Mets need to look into getting this dude:

Maybe Now He Can Afford Some Sleeves

2008-08-18T10:54:00.001-07:00

Rafael Nadal is finally the No.-1 ranked tennis player in the world.

Maybe now he can finally get some. Chicks do not like dudes who are not numero uno. And if the dude wears capri pants too, well, that can't help much either. There's no way that Nadal could ever find a hot chick if Roger Fede...

... Oh... Wait... I guess it doesn't really matter what he's ranked then. Why does he even play tennis anyway? He's got an orange floaty device and a hot-body senorita who wears white bikinis. I'm going just going to assume this is what Nadal does every day he's not playing tennis.

He'll Gain An Extra 45 Pounds From The Pizza Alone

2008-08-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

Shawn Kemp has signed a contract to play with Italian team Premiata Montegranaro.

Apparently Kemp is bringing all of his skills to Italy -- he has already impregnated Monica Bellucci, Sophia Loren and Danny Aiello.

Ways To Improve The Olympics: Part 3 of ???

2008-08-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Baseball. Current international baseball rules state that if a game goes to the 11th inning then from that point forward runners are placed at first and second base and the teams can start batting at any place in the order.

How about they just play the game as it's intended to be played -- last team standing, no holds barred, amphetamines brewed in the coffee, and plenty of defecting Cubans who claim to be in their early 20's even though they wear dentures.

That's the baseball I know and love.

He Should Really Get A Fax Machine

2008-08-15T10:13:00.001-07:00

Pacman Jones mailed a letter to NFL commish Roger Goodell asking for his reinstatement into the league.

Ironically enough, immediately after placing the letter in his corner mailbox, Pacman decided he wanted it back. Moments later, several gunshots were fired at the mailbox. Police have no suspects in the case.

What, No Fade?

2008-08-15T10:00:00.001-07:00

Manny Ramirez finally followed manager Joe Torre's orders and cleaned up his hair by cutting an inch cut off of his dreads.

Manny continued to show what a stand up kinda guy he is by donating the fallen locks to the Street Urchin Extension Fund, a non-profit organization that pairs extensions with needy children.

This is exactly why he deserves $25 million a year, folks! Pay up, Colletti!

The Future Is Now

2008-08-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

Major League Baseball is prepping its ballparks for instant replay.

A lot of baseball purists are unhappy about this -- they think it will take the "human" element out of the game.

But not Roto Recall... we believe this is the first step towards the inevitable: U.M.P.S. (aka Ultimate Moderating Professional System)

Imagine Lou Pinella kicking dirt onto the shins of a 25-foot tall metal beast. Now imagine Lou Pinella getting eviscerated via the U.M.P.S.'s built in laser-saw module.

Imagine some drunken Yankee fans using sailor-talk while discussing the home plate U.M.P.S.'s mother. Now imagine those same drunken Yankee fans being drawn and quartered during the seventh inning stretch by the first base U.M.P.S.'s pinpoint machete arm. (Because the first base U.M.P.S. will always have the home plate U.M.P.S. bulletproof back)

Imagine a fat lazy umpire. Now imagine if a T-X had sex with a ED-209... Ooooh yeeeeah... That's nice... Go slower ED-209... There ain't no rush... Yeah...

China And Cuba Have A Lot In Common

2008-08-14T12:31:00.000-07:00

Chinese gold medalist He Kexin is telling reporters that she is 16 even though Chinese media outlets reporters she was 13 earlier in the year.

Roto Recall has gotten its hands on a photo taken of He last December and, quite frankly, we think she's even younger than 13.

Maybe They Were Making A Political Statement About North Korea

2008-08-13T09:20:00.001-07:00

Members of Spain's Olympic basketball team are in some hot water after posing for a photo while pulling back their eyes so to look "Chinese."

I say no blood, no foul. It's not like they made pee-pee in somebody's coke....

Besides, they look more like Renee Zellweger than anything else.

Ways to Improve The Olympics: Part 2 of ???

2008-08-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

The hand-to-hand combat events. I'm looking at you Wrestling, Judo, Taekwondo, Boxing and Fencing. Only eastern European countries and effeminate Dutchmen care about these individual sports...

But what if they were combined into Taejufoxstling? This spectacle would take place in a ring, involve swords and all the competitors would wear white pajamas and still have the opportunity to choke each other.

And it's fought to the death! Imagine the excitement! Not to mention all the money saved on not having to smelt silver and bronze medals... since the second and third place finishers would be dead!

Kimbo Slice -- start your training now. You country needs you in 2012.

Oh Sheffy-Cakes...

2008-08-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

Gary Sheffield has voiced his unhappiness with platooning at DH in Detroit. Manager Jim Leyland struck back that he is "flabbergasted" with Sheff's remarks.

I'm flabbergasted that Leyland is flabbergasted. This is Gary Sheffield. He's unhappy when he doesn't get to see the same snowflake twice. He gets angry when the moon doesn't float up in the sky at 11 am and then claims it was installed incorrectly. He's punches holes in walls because he's pissed he hasn't already punched holes in walls, even though he's not even punching walls but police horses.

I'm hoping that the reporters just misquoted Leyland. Literally misquoted him. Maybe he was ""flabbergasted"". The New York Times Manual of Style and Usage needs to figure out how to address the sarcastic airquotes issue STAT.

Ways To Improve The Olympics: Part 1 of ???

2008-08-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

The shooting events. Who cares about people firing guns at targets if they can't bend bullets, right?

Let's change it up by having progressively smaller and smaller objects placed on progressively larger and larger human heads. The final round would entail shooting a raisin off of Karl Rove's noggin.

Now that's something Bob Costas could get wet about.

Some Free Advice For Omar

2008-08-11T15:03:00.000-07:00

The Mets bullpen blew another win today.

All is not lost for the team though.... Here are some available choices that will definitely improve their relief corps:

Jesse Orosco

The beautiful and talented Jennie Finch

One of the she-males who failed the Olympic gender test

Anybody who has thrown out the ceremonial first pitch at any baseball game ever

Rollie Fingers' mustache

Frogs Got Triple Lindy-ed

2008-08-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

Alain Bernard proved one thing by declaring that France's 400-meter freestyle relay team would "smash" the American team....

He's the French Billy Zabka.

But The Cirque De Soleil Stuff Was Cool

2008-08-11T07:11:00.000-07:00

If I were a neo-conservative with a TV show on Fox News, these would be my thoughts on the introductions of the Olympic delegations during opening ceremonies:

Didja notice that Middle Eastern countries are into shooting and hand-to-hand combat while the USA likes to run and swim fast?! Didja?!

What message does this send to the children?!

The American children?!

F! A! R! V! Favre! Favre! Favre!

2008-08-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

Brett Favre has been traded to the Jets.

After his first practice with the team, I'd give even odds he opts to retire again.

However, Jets fans are ecstatic about the deal. Upon learning about the trade, Lou DiFliggi, a 38-year-old season ticket holder from Fort Lee, NJ, said to a female reporter, "Show me your tits."

Something Else For Tiger To Dominate

2008-08-07T10:19:00.001-07:00

Phil Mickelson thinks golf should be an Olympic sport.

Yeah, right, Lefty -- as if golf belonged in the same breath as team handball, ping-pong and that ribbon waving event. If you want to win a gold medal, Phil, take up 25m rapid fire pistoling.

Au Revoir King James?

2008-08-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

With the recent rash of NBA players bolting to sign with teams overseas, a source close to LeBron James says King James would consider playing in Europe if the price was right.

The price? $50 million per year and one night, "Indecent Proposal"-style, with French first lady Carla Bruni.

Hold Your Breath

2008-08-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

The chief medical officer for the IOC said that the air pollution in Beijing won't pose a major risk to Olympic athletes throughout the 16 days of the games.

Those the pollution will pose a major risk for? Everybody who isn't an athlete and all athletes who stay for 17 or more days.

L-O-V-E / H-A-T-E

2008-08-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

Yao Ming apologized for his comments regarding Ron Artest being traded to the Rockets. Yao said, "Hopefully, he's not fighting anymore and going after a guy in the stands."

Apparently Yao had his change of heart after watching "Do The Right Thing."

Woody Agrees With Communist China

2008-08-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

Chinese officials continue to assert that all of their female gymnasts are at the minimum age of 16 and are eligible to compete in the Olympics.

Perhaps something was lost in the translation, but the official Chinese statement was, "If there is grass on the field, play ball."

Better Than That Spiezio Soul Patch

2008-08-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

The White Sox and the Royals had a bench-clearing brawl yesterday, after White Sox pitcher DJ Carassaco plunked Royals catcher Miguel Olivo with a pitch in the 5th inning. Olivo wound up throwing his punches at White Sox catcher AJ Pierzynski.

This whole brouhaha just seemed like a long con to draw Pierzynski out into the open so somebody could slug him.

It was also a nice way to introduce the world to Pierzynski's new dye job. If he's hoping to look like mid-90's Annie Lennox, then he's a success.

Unfortunately, he probably has a brother-in-law named Rocco who found some blond wigs "that fell off the truck." Look for the "Pier-Wigski Blond Wig" (trademark pending) to be draped on sweaty heads in US Cellular throughout September.

At Least It's Not Parcells

2008-08-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

There is a rumor of a Bill Belichick sex tape.

The claim comes from a former writer for Patriots Football Weekly. He says the tape is held by a man who alleges Belichick was having an affair with his wife.

However, upon closer inspection, it turns out the wife was just banging a homeless man.

She Better Be Replaced With Somebody Equally Talented And Hot

2008-07-31T15:24:00.001-07:00

Maria Sharapova is pulling out of the Olympics with a shoulder injury.

The good news is that she plans to empathize with her Olympic teammates and have a Beijing experience -- she will huff the exhaust pipe of an '84 Corolla Hatchback for the entire duration of the games.

Ron Artest Is The Blackest Man Alive

2008-07-31T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yao Ming said that he hopes new teammate Ron Artest won't take fights into the stands anymore. Artest rebutted, " I understand what Yao said, but I'm still ghetto. That's not going to change. I'm never going to change my culture. Yao has played with a lot of black players, but I don't think he's ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture."

Ron Artest keeps it real all the time, 24-7-365. If you disrespect him, he will slap you. If you don't pass him the ball, he will throat-punch you. If you leave a bad review for his album on Pitchfork Media, he will poke out your eardrums with a rusty screwdriver. That's just what his culture is all about. What does he think about Martin Luther King? Pussy. Spike Lee? Cracker. Wilt Chamberlain? He's lucky he's dead, or he'd kill him two times.

Don't ever change Ronald Artest III. Don't you ever even think about it.

The NL West Still Blows

2008-07-31T13:56:00.001-07:00

Manny Ramirez has been traded from the Red Sox to the Dodgers.

Dodgers fans are going to love coming late to the game, watching Manny bat in the 4th and 6th innings and then leave in the middle of the 7th.

As part of the trade, Jason Bay goes from Pittsburgh to Boston. I'm sure him, JD Drew and Dustin Pedroia will have fun being really really really white together. Klansmen are going to start feeling uncomfortable in the Boston clubhouse.

And The New Jet Li Movie Is Coming Out Next Week Too!

2008-07-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

Chinese officials say the air pollution index in Beijing has dropped over 50% since they enacted their air quality measures last week in preparation for August's Olympic Games.

In other great news, Chinese officials added that dog eating is down 23%, Tibetan stomping is down 4%, and the Great Wall is 31% longer and girthier.

Astronaut Artest

2008-07-30T09:42:00.001-07:00

Ron Artest has been traded from the Sacramento Kings to the Houston Rockets.

A charmed life that Ronnie Artest has. I'd like to think his day-to-day activities go a little bit like this:

Anything In A Plastic Bottle Will Do

2008-07-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

The Ginn Tribute, one of the richest tournaments on the LPGA tour, won't return in 2009.

Luckily, John Daly's gin tribute will continue through the end of his liver, which is projected to fail in early 2011.

Baghdad Baseball Tonight

2008-07-28T09:38:00.000-07:00

Manny Ramirez said he would not block the Red Sox from trading him, stating, "I don't care where I play, I can even play in Iraq if need be."

I think we've found the next Adam Sandler movie: A spoiled major leaguer plays his way out of MLB and gets traded to a team in the brand new Iraqi Baseball Federation. We can call it "Oil Field of Dreams"

Rob Schneider will be CGI-ed so that he plays every Iraqi baseball player in the league.

A Small Wonder

2008-07-24T05:11:00.000-07:00

"An 8-year-old girl was ejected from a junior tennis tournament on New Zealand's South Island when officials discovered she was wearing a radio earpiece to receive instructions from her father."

The little girl also tested positive for HGH, anabolic steroids and bull testosterone. She has since been legally emancipated from her dad and is currently fathered by Nick Bollettieri.

They grow up so fast!

Shaq Could've Used His Guidance

2008-07-23T06:50:00.000-07:00

Sid Craig, one of the founders of the weight-loss company Jenny Craig who was also a minority owner of the Phoenix Suns, has died.

It has been reported that his last meal was a sensible dinner.

The Esplanade Took Nine Years To Build

2008-07-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

Rutgers football coach Greg Schiano has an out-clause in his contract permitting him to leave the university without a financial penalty if the school doesn't finish building the expansion of their football stadium by 2009.

I find it hard to believe that a guy named Schiano would be allowed to leave an organization in New Jersey without a penalty.

It was a pretty stupid clause to include in his contract to begin with. The stadium job is union work. If you figure the project began in late 1983, there's no way that stadium is opening until February 2016.

Cat Fight!

2008-07-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

A scuffle broke out on the court during the Los Angeles Sparks-Detroit Shock WNBA game. This lead to Shock assistant coach and former Pistons forward Rich Mahorn pushing Sparks star Lisa Leslie to the ground.

I truly believe Rich Mahorn did not intend to physically assault Lisa Leslie.

He just wanted to cop a feel.

In The Pen, How Many Cigarettes Equal a Sports Bra?

2008-07-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

Former Olympian Marion Jones has asked President Bush to commute her six-month prison sentence. She is serving time for lying to federal agents about using steroids (in addition to check fraud).

Silly Marion Jones. Doesn't she know W. only commutes prison sentences for people who lie for him to federal agents?

His Background In Cheerleading Was Useful For This

2008-07-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

George W. Bush gave an inspiring speech to nearly twenty-five U.S. Olympians at the White House this weekend.

This is the closest W. has been to prospective dopers since his time back at Deke.

The Judges Spent A Lot Of Time With The Evidence On This One

2008-07-21T09:55:00.000-07:00

The 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals has thrown out the F.C.C.'s $550,000 fine against CBS for the 2004 "wardrobe malfunction" which occurred during the Super Bowl halftime show and featured Janet Jackson's pierced nipple.

Excellent. Now the F.C.C. owes America punitive damages. That fine frightened tons of female superstars of the 80's and 90's from displaying their breasts on national television -- Mariah Carey, Jewel, the chicks from En Vogue, etc.

Roto Recall says that the American people should get a two-hour prime time special composed of a compilation of desperate and famous boobies. Who's with us?

Frisky Shark

2008-07-18T16:39:00.000-07:00

53-year-old Greg Norman is second on the leaderboard at the British Open.

There is only one logical explanation for this:

Chris Evert has a magical vagina.

It must operate along the same lines as a Stargate, taking whomever passes through it on fantastical adventures that would never ever be possible in our dimension. Clearly the U.S. government must sequester the Evert vagina so that al-Qaeda can never get their hands on it.

"I Know You. I Know You."

2008-07-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

Two American synchronized swimmers are appealing to an arbitrator to overturn a decision not to allow them to compete in Beijing.

Wow.

It's like you expect synchronized swimming to be about the sport. You know... the swimming and the water floating and the leg kicking and the shower caps... but then something like this happens and it just totally jades you. I want to believe in the purity of synchronized swimming, but how can I when there's so much animosity out there within the synchronized swimming community?

Well, enough is enough, goddamn it. Roto Recall would like to hold the first ever Peace In Synchronized Swimming Conference at its apartment. All the girls can sleep over and we can talk -- really talk -- about the state of synchronized swimming and how we can all learn to appreciate each other's skills and passions and nose plugs. Maybe there will even be a pillow fight.

Let's make it happen, ladies!

Buying Tickets Is A Privilege, Not A Right

2008-07-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

New York Giants fans will have to shell out between $1000-$20,000 in personal seat licensing fees for season tickets in their new stadium.

This means you have to chunk down some cash before you even buy your tickets. The meeting where this was brought up must have been surreal:

Giants VP of Money Hording: We need to figure out a way to raise ticket prices without actually raising ticket prices. How do we do it?
Money Hording Analyst #1: We could increase the money we charge on all tickets.
Giants VP of Money Hording: That sounds a bit too similar to raising ticket prices.
Money Hording Analyst #2: Instead of raising ticket prices we could increase our advertising rates with our corporate sponsors.
Giants VP of Money Hording: You're fired. Get the hell out of here right now.
Money Hording Intern: What if we impose a large fee for the right to buy tickets?
Giants VP of Money Hording: So you're saying we take their money before we take their money? It's a two-stage money-taking process?
Money Hording Intern: I guess.
Silence. The Giants VP of Money Hording starts a slow clap.
Giants VP of Money Hording: You just saved the New York Giants, Intern! You just saved the Giants!
The Money Hording Intern is carrying out of the conference room on everybody's shoulders...

Good Thing His Nickname Isn't "Nuclear" Or "B.J."

2008-07-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

Former UFC champion Quinton "Rampage" Jackson" has been hospitalized for a mental health evaluation after he led police on a three-mile car chase and caused three separate accidents.

When asked why he did this, Jackson simply answered, "Training for my next fight, that's all. Training. Oh. And my nickname is 'Rampage' so I thought it would be cool to justify it. "

Fidelito Has A Lot Of Time On His Hands

2008-07-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

Fidel Castro has released an essay in which he complains about baseball being dropped as an Olympic sport in the 2012 games. He also tells Cuban fans to go easy on their national team if they do not win the gold in Beijing, telling them to blame jet lag instead.

Castro wrote, "They are going to the Olympic Games, which will be played on the other side of the world, where sleeping patterns and the rhythm of life changes."

They main "rhythm of life" change for the Cuban team will be continuous electricity.

My favorite thing about Fidel is how much he cares about baseball. Oddly enough, that's also the one thing that I don't dislike about George W. Bush. It would be great if the two of them could do a "Pardon the Interruption" talk show together.

Fidel: The imperialistic Alexander Rodriguez flexes his injustice with every sway of his lumber and each leg stroke he makes circularly through the path of the bases.
W.: I like A-Rod. But not as much as Madonna does, I bet. (snickering laughter for 45 seconds)
Fidel: He has no allegiance to ideology. He is a cog who should be a factory. A drop of a water who should be a typhoon.
W.: I took Laura to Hurricane Harbor this weekend. We did the lazy river all morning. I've still got the prune fingers to prove it. Hey Fidel...
Fidel: What George?
W.: I got a joke for you. Who was Stalin's favorite baseball team?
Fidel: He was really more of a weightlifting kind of guy.
W.: The Reds. Get it? The Reeeeeeeeeds. (snickering laughter into commercial break)

"I Won't Be Ignored, Lambeau!"

2008-07-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

Brett Favre is thinking about just showing up at Packers' training camp in order to call their bluff.

The Packers brass should rent "Fatal Attraction" because this is where it's all heading. The dialogue is really quite on the nose:

Green Bay Packers: You're so sad. You know that, Brett Favre? Lonely and very sad.
Brett Favre: Don't you ever pity me, you smug bastards.

Green Bay Packers: I'll pity you... I'll pity you. I'll pity you because you're sick.
Brett Favre: Why? Because I won't allow you treat me like some QB you can win a Super Bowl with and who gets banged up a couple of thousand times and then throw in the garbage?

I would not be surprised if a Cheesehead winds up getting boiled.

I Thought NHL Would Be More Gang Related

2008-07-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

"NFL to review tape for evidence of on-field gang signs"

Wow. This is really racist. I'm pretty sure they won't be focusing on Eli Manning for this one.

However, I was suspect of Chad Johnson when he put on that giant Hall of Fame jacket on Monday Night Football last season. I thought I read somewhere that's part of MS 13's initiation ritual.

I think the NFL should donate all their earnings on Raiders paraphernalia from the past twenty years to anti-gang charities. I bet they'd be down for that, right?

The All Star Blame Game

2008-07-15T22:41:00.000-07:00

It's tough to point fingers after a great 15-inning All Star game, but that's why the folks at Roto Recall get the crazy, mad hook ups at all the clubs...

Why did the National League lose 4-3?

Easy. It's the fault of Wisconsin. They're the ones who voted in Cory Hart, the guy who didn't have the C.P.M. (Cojones Power Milk) to throw out Justin Morneau at the plate in the bottom of the 15th with the game on the line.

Thanks a lot you cheese-eating, cow-tipping, Badger-banging, home of Laverne & Shirley, as well as the Fonz, state. You just blew it.

I hope C.C. Sabathia chokes on a racing sausage. Or Penny Marshall.

Canoeing Is Hardcore

2008-07-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

Gyorgy Kolonics, the Hungarian two-time gold Olympic gold medalist in canoeing, died while training for next month's games.

Moral of the story: Don't push the Kolonics too hard or something bad will happen.

I'm looking at you on this one, Avril Lavigne.

Can The Holy Ghost Bend It Like Beckham?

2008-07-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

Soccer pro Chase Hilgenbrinck of the New England Revolution has quit the game in order to join the priesthood.

Dude could've just had a similar experience by coaching youth league soccer.

I Know Why Barry Bonds Can't Find A Team...

2008-07-15T09:00:00.001-07:00

... it's because he never smoked crack and found Jesus.

As Tyrone Biggums once quoted from the Bible, "He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it."

A Van Dyke Would Be Dashing On Him

2008-07-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

Barry Bonds' agent has said that "prospects look bleak" for the home run king to return to the majors this season.

Maybe Barry should grow a mustache. Baseball is way more willing to embrace cheaters who look like pedophiles.

The Redskins Name Is Pretty Wrong Too

2008-07-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

The Washington Redskins have signed their first round draft pick QB Colt Brennan.

Frankly, if the Washington Bullets had to change their name to the Wizards, then Colt Brennan should have to do the same with his name and make it less gunny and less porny. But he should still try to stick with something that has a white supremacist tilt to it -- Aryan Brennan, perhaps?

A Gold Medal In Maintaining A Tight Grip On Order

2008-07-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

Organizers for the Beijing Olympics have released their list of security measures for next month's games.

The measures include a ban on spitting, radioactive materials and long-handled umbrellas.

Their means of enforcement are way more interesting though -- it mainly involves the overarching sense of dread that if you violate the rules you will be detained and never see your family again.

Now let's watch some tiny girls dive into a pool and try to care about it!

The Dodgers Like To Cut and Run

2008-07-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

The Los Angeles Dodgers have officially terminated their contract with their Spring Training facility in Vero Beach, Florida, thus shutting down Dodgertown.

But apparently all is not lost -- Andruw Jones has been telling some women at The Body Shop and the Playpen and Jumbo's Clown Room that Dodgertown will always live on, and I quote him on this, "in my pants." He then added, "It's Spring Training 365 days a year down there."

2 Fast 2 Panderous

2008-07-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

Barack Obama may sponsor a car in a NASCAR race next month.

Ralph Nader is also interested in sponsoring a car -- tho it's sole purpose is to take fans away from Obama's.

Not to be outdone in reaching out to "real Americans," John McCain will have Kimbo Slice buzz his name into his chest hair for his next MMA match.

Headline Of My Life

2008-07-11T09:32:00.001-07:00

"Dunleavy fingers agent for Brand's change of heart"

Imagine what Mike Dunleavy would've done to the agent if Elton Brand would've resigned with the Clippers...

At Least It Won't Be Hot And Muggy The Entire Time

2008-07-11T08:35:00.001-07:00

For the first time in it's history, total prize money at this year's U.S. Open will top $20 million.

Also for the first time in the tennis tournament's history, water will top $10 per bottle and an ice cream sundae will top $23.

Enrique Better Defend Her Honor

2008-07-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

ATP board member and former tennis pro Justin Gimelstob has been dropped from a series of commercials for the U.S. Open for making sexist comments about Anna Kournikova on a radio show last month.

Clearly this needs to be settled Bobby Riggs-Billie Jean King style: a battle of the sexes match, best of five sets, removing an article of clothing for each unforced error -- exactly the way Riggs and King played it in the '70's.

Your move, Kournikova.

The Roto Recall Bandwagon Is More Like A Band-Stretch Hummer Limo...

2008-07-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

... I've got room for everybody who wants to hop on board.

Our current hitchhiker is ESPN's Eric Young. Young makes a bold and original statement in his cuurent Baseball Tonight Column -- the Mets should sign Barry Bonds.

That's a great idea -- too bad Roto Recall made the same proclamation A MONTH AGO!

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery -- and I've heard variations of that adage a lot, so I guess the guy who came up with it should be flattered, but Roto Recall isn't.

Step off Young. The next time you write a column, enter the whole thing into Google and then add "Roto Recall" to the end of it. If any matches come up, scrap it and start over.

You've been warned.

Cecil Fielder Ate A Lot Of Hot Dogs There

2008-07-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

Tiger Stadium, abandoned since 1999, will finally be demolished.

Once they do the same to the rest of city, Detroit will be a pleasant place to take in a ballgame.

By the way, hasn't Detroit been abandoned since at least 1989? I'm pretty sure the only people who live there are Kwame Kilpatrick and RoboCop.

Keith Hernandez's Is Way Better

2008-07-09T15:14:00.000-07:00

The New York Yankees gave out 20,000 mustaches to fans at today's game in a show of support for Jason Giambi's All Star candidacy.

A-Rod kept 10,000 of them for general merkin usage.

And while Giambi claims to have grown his mustache naturally, I bet if you poked around his locker you'd fine some Rogaine. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

D-Train D-Railed

2008-07-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

Dontrelle Willis had an MRI on his right knee on Tuesday. It revealed that he has tendinitis.

It also revealed that he's a bit overrated and wears a baseball cap that's too big for him. That MRI is pretty, pretty smart.

Alaska Basketball: It's Faaaaaaantastic (And Freezing)

2008-07-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

The ABA has awarded an expansion team to Anchorage, Alaska. It will be the 46th team in the league.

The league appears to be running out of places for teams. The 47th team will play in Yigo, Guam while the 48th will be based out of my driveway.