Medical Advancement + Technology + Tiger = Zombie Woods?

Tiger Woods is shutting it down for the remainder of the golf season in order to have knee surgery and rehabilitate his left tibia.

Let us take a moment to pray that none of Tiger's doctors decides to play "god" and try a cutting-edge procedure that isn't yet approved by the FDA. Because if he/she does than there is a distinct possibility that Tiger Woods could come back a bit "different." A bit "hungrier' if you will. However, his taste won't just be for victory... it will be for human flesh!

We've seen it time and time again -- New science equals zombies. And quite frankly, a zombie Tiger would be completely unstoppable. He would literally eat up the competition and scores of young golfers will beg their parents to let them be bit by Tiger so that they too can have a successful future on the pro circuit.

And Tiger's wife! His hot hot Swedish wife! What a waste she would be as a zombie!

So to all the orthopedic surgeons out there who may conduct surgery on Tiger in the next month, please just stick with the old way of repairing knees. Anything new-fangled may be the end of the world as we know it.

Hate To Break It To You Pronk...

Travis Hafner wants to get a second opinion about his sore shoulder.

Well here it goes: You're fat. Be less fat and perhaps you'll be in less pain. But at the very least, if you are less fat, you will be less fat.

By the way, I don't accept insurance. Cash only, buster.

Sincerely,
Roto Recall, MD

Ways To Save The Mets Season

Start playing at Citi Field immediately. The coolness factor of that place has the ability to keep fans sedated through September. There's a rotunda named after Jackie Robinson, for pete's sake! A ROTUNDA!

Let Aaron Heilman have his way and put him into the starting rotation. And once we have him out in the open, we hire an assassin from the back of "Guns and Ammo" to take care of the rest.

Invent a time machine.

Drop off Carlos Delgado at a "farm" in the Catskills. Nature will take care of the rest.

Let's have a bench-clearing brawl -- but only with Mets bench. Sure, it might look like a race war, but maybe that'll bring some passion out of the team. I think Billy Wagner would be the perfect guy to initiate this, but he'd probably blow it. 

Score more runs than their opponents do in an overwhelming majority of the remaining games. It's just a theory I have, but I'd love to see it in practice.

Play a prank on Jose Reyes and remove all of his teeth while he's sleeping. Perhaps then he'd smile less and take pitches more. 

Sign Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa. At least then things will be interesting... 

Congrats Boston Celtics

While it's hard to hate on KG, here's something for you overbearing Boston fans:



At the very least, thank you for making Kobe miserable and feel "less than."

Willie Freed!

The Mets fired Willie Randolph at 3:15 in the morning, the night after he flew cross-country with the team to face the Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim), who play across the highway from Disneyland -- one of the most magical places on earth.

His situation is practically the exact opposite of any Super Bowl MVP:

ANNOUNCER: Willie Randolph -- you've just been fired by the New York Mets! What are you going to do next?

WILLIE: I'm gettin' the hell out of Disneyland!

I guess with Willie gone, Carlos Delgado will finally stop being a slow, fat, waste of space and the bullpen will finally be able to hold leads. Thanks for holding those saints back, Randolph. Now the Mets will shine like shiny cubic zirconia rings they truly are!

Of course, somewhere in Tampa, a confused and drooling George Steinbrenner stops throwing his pancakes into a ceiling fan and whispers to no one: "Well played, Minaya. Well played indeed."

For The Sake Of The Post, Just Go With Me On This One...

I haven't seen a Rocco choke-job like that since Siffredi's "Captain Organ."

Ponson's Got A Bad Attitude

Sidney Ponson has been released by the Texas Rangers for "disrespecting teammates and club personnel."

Ponson replied to media requests for interviews with a tersely worded statement, simply scrawling "fuck you" on a piece of toilet paper. Initial reports add that there was also a crudely drawn caricature of Rangers GM Jon Daniels with a phallus in his mouth.

UPDATE: Ponson has brought his bad attitude to North Carolina!