He'll Gain An Extra 45 Pounds From The Pizza Alone

Shawn Kemp has signed a contract to play with Italian team Premiata Montegranaro.

Apparently Kemp is bringing all of his skills to Italy -- he has already impregnated Monica Bellucci, Sophia Loren and Danny Aiello.

Ways To Improve The Olympics: Part 3 of ???

Baseball.  Current international baseball rules state that if a game goes to the 11th inning then from that point forward runners are placed at first and second base and the teams can start batting at any place in the order. 

How about they just play the game as it's intended to be played -- last team standing, no holds barred, amphetamines brewed in the coffee, and plenty of defecting Cubans who claim to be in their early 20's even though they wear dentures. 

That's the baseball I know and love. 

He Should Really Get A Fax Machine

Pacman Jones mailed a letter to NFL commish Roger Goodell asking for his reinstatement into the league. 

Ironically enough, immediately after placing the letter in his corner mailbox, Pacman decided he wanted it back. Moments later, several  gunshots were fired at the mailbox. Police have no suspects in the case.  

What, No Fade?

Manny Ramirez finally followed manager Joe Torre's orders and cleaned up his hair by cutting an inch cut off of his dreads. 

Manny continued to show what a stand up kinda guy he is by donating the fallen locks to the Street Urchin Extension Fund, a non-profit organization that pairs extensions with needy children. 

This is exactly why he deserves $25 million a year, folks! Pay up, Colletti!  

The Future Is Now

Major League Baseball is prepping its ballparks for instant replay. 

A lot of baseball purists are unhappy about this -- they think it will take the "human" element out of the game.

But not Roto Recall... we believe this is the first step towards the inevitable: U.M.P.S. (aka Ultimate Moderating Professional System)

Imagine Lou Pinella kicking dirt onto the shins of a 25-foot tall metal beast. Now imagine Lou Pinella getting eviscerated via the U.M.P.S.'s built in laser-saw module.   

Imagine some drunken Yankee fans using sailor-talk while discussing the home plate U.M.P.S.'s mother. Now imagine those same drunken Yankee fans being drawn and quartered during the seventh inning stretch by the first base U.M.P.S.'s pinpoint machete arm. (Because the first base U.M.P.S. will always have the home plate U.M.P.S. bulletproof back)

Imagine a fat lazy umpire. Now imagine if a T-X had sex with a ED-209... Ooooh yeeeeah... That's nice... Go slower ED-209... There ain't no rush... Yeah...

 

China And Cuba Have A Lot In Common

Chinese gold medalist He Kexin is telling reporters that she is 16 even though Chinese media outlets reporters she was 13 earlier in the year. 

Roto Recall has gotten its hands on a photo taken of He last December and, quite frankly, we think she's even younger than 13. 

Maybe They Were Making A Political Statement About North Korea

Members of Spain's Olympic basketball team are in some hot water after posing for a photo while pulling back their eyes so to look "Chinese." 

I say no blood, no foul. It's not like they made pee-pee in somebody's coke.... 

Besides, they look more like Renee Zellweger than anything else.