For Christ Sakes...

Can somebody please give this woman her fucking dog back?

The Worst Thing Ever

"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."

I never thought I would ever those words strung together in an AP article (not that I think about the words strung together in any other capacity)...

The gist of it is that a Texas fan walked into a bar in Oklahoma wearing a UT shirt. This led to a 50-year-old Sooners supporter nearly ripping his balls off.

There are SO many things that are weird and fucked up about this:

1) A dude was wearing white shorts? Is his name Bjorn Borg? Because if not, he was probably asking for trouble even if he wasn't wearing the UT shirt.

2) The Sooners fan didn't punch, knee, or karate chop the other guys crotch -- HE LATCHED ONTO IT WITH SUPER-HUMAN POWER. We've all heard stories about how when in tight situations andreline kicks in and gives you strength you never thought you had otherwise (like the mom who lifts a flipped-over car that is crushing her newborn baby, or something of the sort). I would think that the guy whose balls are in a hand-vice would have the life-perserving instinct kick in. I guess he just didn't want his own balls enough.

3) The lawyer of the man who nearly lost his cojones said "My client never said a word to him. He got up to pay and when he paid and left a tip, the guy grabbed him." Does him leaving a tip really matter to the case? Is he hoping that the eventual case will end up in a district that has a high number of waiters/waitresses in the jury pool?

My final thought: If I owned a sporting goods manufacturing company I would be actively trying to get the Texan Ball-less Wonder to endorse a line of protective cups with the Longhorn insignia on it -- "Because a Longhorn ain't a Longhorn without his nuts intact."

Catchy, eh?

Chris Brown: Sextuple Threat Superstar

Chris Brown had a huge Sunday! Not only was he named AFC Offensive Player of the week after rushing for 175 yards, but he then flew to Vegas where he showed the Tevin Cambells, Ralph Tresvants and this guy poseurs of the world that HE is indeed the next Michael Jackson.

Huzah to Chris Brown -- the world's first sextuple threat: he sings, dances, rushes, doesn't score touchdowns, lip synchs AND performs like a black Charlie Chaplin (see video)!!!

Don't Think, Just Answer

Flava Flav or Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson?

You Be The Judge

Is this a picture of:

A) A Fiber-Optic Dong Getting Ready to Bone Manhattan

OR

B) The Cover of Sunday's New York Time's Key Magazine Real Estate
Supplement

Week 1 -- Mid(ish) Game Report

Well I'm two-thirds of the way finished with my team this week. I'm roughly 20 points down going into Monday night with Willis, Rudi and and Darrell Jackson primed for me against Frank Gore. Here's are the highlight from today:

Click here for the Awesomista Bad-Assery Nike Commercial Campaign

The only thing that could've made that commercial better would be if it had Chingachgook raging down the field with his green machette 'o death hacking away at Chargers until he put the old crowd-pleasing Mohican finishing chop move on Magua. (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, please take the time to rent "Last of the Mohicans.")

And that's it. Everything else today sucked balls. I'll be actively rooting for Tony Gonzalez's Bell's Palsy to get worse throughout the season. At least then he'll have the proper look on his face whenever he peers at Big Perm Edwards with confusion, wanting to know why Huard is unable to throw the ball to him.

(I was going to post a photo of somebody with Bell's Palsy, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. To learn more about Bell's Palsy, please go to the smartest place on the internet -- Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bells_palsy)

It's Not TV...

Drew Brees' performance was much like the premiere episode of the new HBO show “Tell Me You Love Me.”

Lots of promise at first – Brees is going to be huge this year! He’s gonna throw lots of TDs! He’s got Bush!... TMYLM (my special nickname for the show) will be the hottest new show this year! It’s gonna have the drama of "Six Feet Under" and the sexiness (ie nudity) of “Sex in the City”! It’s got bush!

Then it’s awkward – Oohh. Drew ain’t looking too sharp out there from the get go. This can’t be good.… TMYLM: Oohh. That 40-year-old dude is jacking himself off in the first scene. This can’t be good.

And then there's a total collapse – Brees has two balls intercepted. There’s limited action by Bush… TMYLM: A different dude’s two balls are intercepted by my eyes as he’s sticking it to his fiancé at such an angle that we can't see her boobs. There’s limited... (you get where I’m going with this).

Hopefully Sunday will be better. At least “Curb” will be returning.