The Worst Thing Ever

"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."

I never thought I would ever those words strung together in an AP article (not that I think about the words strung together in any other capacity)...

The gist of it is that a Texas fan walked into a bar in Oklahoma wearing a UT shirt. This led to a 50-year-old Sooners supporter nearly ripping his balls off.

There are SO many things that are weird and fucked up about this:

1) A dude was wearing white shorts? Is his name Bjorn Borg? Because if not, he was probably asking for trouble even if he wasn't wearing the UT shirt.

2) The Sooners fan didn't punch, knee, or karate chop the other guys crotch -- HE LATCHED ONTO IT WITH SUPER-HUMAN POWER. We've all heard stories about how when in tight situations andreline kicks in and gives you strength you never thought you had otherwise (like the mom who lifts a flipped-over car that is crushing her newborn baby, or something of the sort). I would think that the guy whose balls are in a hand-vice would have the life-perserving instinct kick in. I guess he just didn't want his own balls enough.

3) The lawyer of the man who nearly lost his cojones said "My client never said a word to him. He got up to pay and when he paid and left a tip, the guy grabbed him." Does him leaving a tip really matter to the case? Is he hoping that the eventual case will end up in a district that has a high number of waiters/waitresses in the jury pool?

My final thought: If I owned a sporting goods manufacturing company I would be actively trying to get the Texan Ball-less Wonder to endorse a line of protective cups with the Longhorn insignia on it -- "Because a Longhorn ain't a Longhorn without his nuts intact."

Catchy, eh?