I'm Sure Even Allan Houston Can't Be Excited About This One

Isiah Thomas loves making sure former basketball players get paid. First he causes his bosses to pony up 10-plus million bones to Anucha Browne Sanders and now he has just resigned Allen Houston. I guess I was only off by a couple of inches when I guessed last week that Isiah was going to bring back Patrick Ewing.

Is he thinking, "How can I get Knicks fans to stop thinking I'm sexist? I know, I'll remind them that I hate making rational basketball decisions more than I enjoy disrespecting women."

In conclusion, Isiah Thomas kind of looks like Angela Basset:

Phil Cincotta: The A+ Mega-Douche in All of America

To the Sports Editor:
To every smug, naïve, clueless Mets fan who for the past few months has harassed, berated and insulted my Yankees, the greatest franchise in the history of professional sports, maybe now you have some minimal understanding of the difference between winning and talking about winning. Phil Cincotta, Massapequa, N.Y.

I sure hope Phil Cincotta googles himself every once in a while so that he can find out he's just been selected as Roto Recall's first ever "A+ Mega-Douche in All of America" (trademark pending).

So, Phil, do you understand the difference between winning and talking about winning now? Hope you enjoyed "your" Yankees last trip to the post-season for a long while. That plague of gnats in Cleveland showed more grit and tenacity than "your" Yankees did.

A dynasty is dead. Sound the trumpets. Spray the Raid.

An Open Letter to Roger Clemens' Frosted Tips

Dear Roger Clemens' Frosted Tips:

I'm not too sure if you know this or not, but it's time that you found out -- you are so fucking gay.

A recent Gallup poll discovered that you are ranked between Ricky Martin's and Ryan Seacrest's frosted tips. To put this even further in perspective, the poll was not surveying "gayest frosted tips" but rather just the general idea of "gay."

Anyway, whenever you get the chance, please remind your host body that he is a 45-year-old man.

Sincerely,
The Folks at Roto Recall

Punitive and Compensatory Damages for the Durham 3!!!

"The lawsuit calls the criminal case against Reade Seligmann, Collin Finnerty and Dave Evans 'one of the most chilling episodes of premeditated police, prosecutorial and scientific misconduct in modern American history.'"

Yes, hyperbole aside, not since Andy Duphrane nor the scores of innocent men who are on death row in the USA has something this chilling occurred in our country.

I still think a lacrosse player did it -- and I think all lacrosse players look like the bad guys from 80's teen movies.

Meet Jerheme Urban...

You might be asking yourself right now, "Just who is Jerheme Urban?"

What he is -- eighth-string wide receiver on the Arizona Cardinals.

What he is not -- African-American.

Shocking. Welcome to the white guy with black name club. Reggie Willits and Khalil Greene will be hosting a mixer for you in the near future.

Here's to you Jereme -- you might be fourth or fifth on the Cardinals depth chart, but you'll always be first in all of our always-loving-white-guys-with-black-name hearts...

Make It Rain Sexual Harrassment Trials!

So Isiah Thomas had this to say about the recent trial: "Honestly, my head never left basketball."

Some of his thoughts... "I wonder if the T-Wolves would trade us Eddie Griffin straight up for David Lee... Think that bitch Halle Berry could make a good marketing executive?...Can we make the Knick City Dancers show more camel toe?... What will it take to get Patrick Ewing to come out of retirement?..."

Maybe he should be sued for sexual harrassment more often -- at least then his head will be in the game for a minimum of three weeks per year.

Somewhere In the Tri-State Area a Little Jewish Boy Is Praying...

"Say it ain't so, Scott Schoeneweis. Say it ain't so..."

Why couldn't this have been exposed two months ago? No doubt the Mets would've won an extra two games without this guy in this bullpen.