Roto Recall Exclusive! Haas 9-1-1 Transcript!

Roto Recall now presents to you a Roto Recall EXCLUSIVE -- the official 911 transcript of an unnamed woman calling in tennis player Tommy Haas' alleged poisoning to the police during September's Davis Cup match between Germany and Russia:

Frantic Woman: Haas has been poisoned!

911 Operator: Who?

Frantic Woman: Hass.

911 Operator: Haas who?

Frantic Woman: Haas. He’s been poisoned.

911 Operator: Who has been poisoned?

Frantic Woman: I just told you.

911 Operator: Who?

Frantic Woman: Haas.

911 Operator: Who has what?

Frantic Woman: No. Haas who.

911 Operator: Who is Hass?

Frantic Woman: Haas is tennis player. And he has been poisoned.

911 Operator: Has he?

Frantic Woman: Yes. He has. Haas.

911 Operator: He has been poisoned, Haas?

Frantic Woman: Yes. He has been poisoned, Haas.

911 Operator: Haas has been poisoned.

Frantic Woman: Yes. He has been poisoned.

911 Operator: Men’s tennis is boring.

Frantic Woman: Yes.

Priest Holmes is a Mystery Wrapped in An Enigma Slathered In A Fruity Cocktail of Equal Parts Secrecy and Deception

I can only assume that Priest Holmes’ spinal surgery was botched and now his face is horribly disfigured as he does not have a player photo on Yahoo! Sports.

How can they not have a picture of him, but have portraits of Philly kicker E.J. Cochrane, Seattle receiver Ben Obonamu and Denver TE Chad Mustard?

Joe Torre: Silent But Deadly?

After watching yesterday’s press conference, I got the sneaking suspicion that Joe Torre is the type of guy who would fart on you in a crowded elevator, not say anything about it, smile while tipping his fedora at your wife, and then leave.

Me Want Food!

People can talk all they want about the Pats’ comeback, Purple Jesus bringing the Megiddo to the Chargers and/or Antonio Cromartie’s 109-yd TD return BUT yesterday’s play o’ the day definitely was 340-pounder Lion DT Shaun Rogers intercepting the rock and puffing his way for the 66 yard TD. What propelled that play to classic territory was his sweet little stiff arm of Lil’ Selvin Young (6-0, 210 lb). It was like watching Scrappy Doo trying to rain the “Puppy Power” down on a big fat army of big fat cursed mummies.

On a side note, "Me Want Food" should be used any time a big man does good -- such as when Big Papi hits a homer, Glen Davis gets to actually play for the Celts or whenever anybody over 300 pounds puts points on the board...

"Boom! He's On His Back!"

"At some point if this continues, someone’s going to take a cheap shot. Is that worth subjecting your players to if it comes to that?"

Former hardguy/current bobblehead Bill Cowher thinks Bill Belichick might be putting Tom Brady at risk for a late hit if the Pats keep on anally penetrating their opponents deep into the games. But to be fair to DJ Super Sperm, he (much like these guys) is only following orders. If anybody deserves the Joe Pa treatment, it's Belichick...

Or maybe this:

But hopefully just this:

Martina Hingis: Coke Whore?

Former tennis prodigy Martina Hingis is retiring after testing positive for cocaine during this past Wimbledon.

I had 3-5 odds that it would've been Anna Kournikova -- and even money on Jennifer Capriati.

And while Ms. Hingis is decrying this as a false positive, I think the before and after photos speak for themselves:


Hingis: 1997....................Hingis: 2007

David Stern Is Very Perceptive

"It demonstrates that they're not a model of intelligent management. There were many checkpoints along the way where more decisive action would have eliminated this issue."

While NBA commissioner David Stern could be talking about the Bush administration, he is indeed speaking out about the New York Knicks front office.

The good news is that if the season ended today, the Isiah Thomas Hardwood Quintuplet All Stars would be tied for the final playoff spot.

(Meanwhile, I think the toughest question a reporter could ever ask David Stern would be, "What is the ugliest suit you've ever seen up close?" I think it would take him a good three-plus hours to answer that one.)