Snatch Point

"Two former British police officers who fought corruption in horse racing and cricket are going to head tennis' efforts to prevent match-fixing."

Professional tennis is putting two ex-Bobbies up against the Russian mafia? As they say in England, "GREAT CRIMINEY WIDGETS!"

Clearly the only two Brits who can put a stop to this are Jason Statham and Vinnie Jones. Let's get these blokes some sawed-off shotguns and let them get to work on the underground (and by "underground" I mean those who break the law; not the subway -- however if they choose to take the subway on their way to fight crime that would be fine by me.)

I Guess Grass Is A Gateway Drug

Martina Hingis has officially been banned from tennis for two years after testing positive for cocaine during this past summer's Wimbledon. Looking back on it, it's safe to say we all missed the telltale signs of her coke-whorery... such as:


1) She dropped 63 pounds during the tournament.
2) She had to change out of her tennis whites seven times because of nose bleeds.
3) Her mixed-doubles partner was a Haitian guy named DelJean whose beeper went off continually during play.
4) The service box lines mysteriously disappeared during her opening match.
5) She sucked off the line judge for 10 bucks and advantage point.

Pete Sampras And Old Saggy Yellow Balls

Roger Federer beat Pete Sampras in an exhibition earlier today in Seoul, South Korea.

Isn't this the equivalent of Tiger Woods playing the 35 years dead Bobby Jones in a skins match?

The three great things about this are:

1) They played two of three sets -- like OLD WOMEN. I can only assume that Pete Sampras's bones would turn to dust if he were able to force a fourth or fifth set against Federer.

2) The AP Journalist covering the event actually had the balls to write: "The balding Sampras proceeded to break his opponent's serve and then moved 4-2 ahead courtesy of a drop shot." Larry David, Ron Howard and Rudy Giuliani should picket the Associated Press.

3) One of the published photos (see above) of the match makes it appear as if Sampras has grown an awful hippie ponytail.

Roto Recall Exclusive! Haas 9-1-1 Transcript!

Roto Recall now presents to you a Roto Recall EXCLUSIVE -- the official 911 transcript of an unnamed woman calling in tennis player Tommy Haas' alleged poisoning to the police during September's Davis Cup match between Germany and Russia:

Frantic Woman: Haas has been poisoned!

911 Operator: Who?

Frantic Woman: Hass.

911 Operator: Haas who?

Frantic Woman: Haas. He’s been poisoned.

911 Operator: Who has been poisoned?

Frantic Woman: I just told you.

911 Operator: Who?

Frantic Woman: Haas.

911 Operator: Who has what?

Frantic Woman: No. Haas who.

911 Operator: Who is Hass?

Frantic Woman: Haas is tennis player. And he has been poisoned.

911 Operator: Has he?

Frantic Woman: Yes. He has. Haas.

911 Operator: He has been poisoned, Haas?

Frantic Woman: Yes. He has been poisoned, Haas.

911 Operator: Haas has been poisoned.

Frantic Woman: Yes. He has been poisoned.

911 Operator: Men’s tennis is boring.

Frantic Woman: Yes.

Martina Hingis: Coke Whore?

Former tennis prodigy Martina Hingis is retiring after testing positive for cocaine during this past Wimbledon.

I had 3-5 odds that it would've been Anna Kournikova -- and even money on Jennifer Capriati.

And while Ms. Hingis is decrying this as a false positive, I think the before and after photos speak for themselves:


Hingis: 1997....................Hingis: 2007