Ways to Improve The Olympics: Part 2 of ???

The hand-to-hand combat events.  I'm looking at you Wrestling, Judo, Taekwondo, Boxing and Fencing. Only eastern European countries and effeminate Dutchmen care about these individual sports...

But what if they were combined into Taejufoxstling? This spectacle would take place in a ring, involve swords and all the competitors would wear white pajamas and still have the opportunity to choke each other. 

And it's fought to the death! Imagine the excitement! Not to mention all the money saved on not having to smelt silver and bronze medals... since the second and third place finishers would be dead!

Kimbo Slice -- start your training now. You country needs you in 2012.

Oh Sheffy-Cakes...

Gary Sheffield has voiced his unhappiness with platooning at DH in Detroit. Manager Jim Leyland struck back that he is "flabbergasted" with Sheff's remarks.



I'm flabbergasted that Leyland is flabbergasted. This is Gary Sheffield. He's unhappy when he doesn't get to see the same snowflake twice. He gets angry when the moon doesn't float up in the sky at 11 am and then claims it was installed incorrectly. He's punches holes in walls because he's pissed he hasn't already punched holes in walls, even though he's not even punching walls but police horses.

I'm hoping that the reporters just misquoted Leyland. Literally misquoted him. Maybe he was ""flabbergasted"". The New York Times Manual of Style and Usage needs to figure out how to address the sarcastic airquotes issue STAT.

Ways To Improve The Olympics: Part 1 of ???

The shooting events. Who cares about people firing guns at targets if they can't bend bullets, right?

Let's change it up by having progressively smaller and smaller objects placed on progressively larger and larger human heads. The final round would entail shooting a raisin off of Karl Rove's noggin.

Now that's something Bob Costas could get wet about.

Some Free Advice For Omar

The Mets bullpen blew another win today. 

All is not lost for the team though.... Here are some available choices that will definitely improve their relief corps: 

Jesse Orosco

The beautiful and talented Jennie Finch

One of the she-males who failed the Olympic gender test

Anybody who has thrown out the ceremonial first pitch at any baseball game ever

Rollie Fingers' mustache 

Frogs Got Triple Lindy-ed

Alain Bernard proved one thing by declaring that France's 400-meter freestyle relay team would "smash" the American team.... 

He's the French Billy Zabka. 

But The Cirque De Soleil Stuff Was Cool

If I were a neo-conservative with a TV show on Fox News, these would be my thoughts on the introductions of the Olympic delegations during opening ceremonies:

Didja notice that Middle Eastern countries are into shooting and hand-to-hand combat while the USA likes to run and swim fast?! Didja?!

What message does this send to the children?! 

The American children?! 

F! A! R! V! Favre! Favre! Favre!

Brett Favre has been traded to the Jets.

After his first practice with the team, I'd give even odds he opts to retire again.


However, Jets fans are ecstatic about the deal. Upon learning about the trade, Lou DiFliggi, a 38-year-old season ticket holder from Fort Lee, NJ, said to a female reporter, "Show me your tits."