Well Played Thomas Glavine... Well Played Indeed

Oh the long con... You got us good Tom... Real good.

I can only assume Brian Jordan, Bobby Cox and the Joneses Larry & Druw are laughing maniacally in the Champagne Room of the Gold Club at this very moment.

Best Reason to Start Drew Brees This Week...

Total Fantasy Points Week 3: -1.60

Expected Fantasy Points Week 4: 0.00

Thank god for the bye week.

Joe Smiths I'd Prefer Have on the Mets Rather Than the Current Joe Smith

Professional basketball player Joe Smith would be better to have on the Mets because he is an actual athlete.

British World War II aircraft designer Joe Smith would be better to have on the Mets because he would build a cool fighter plane that could firebomb the current Mets bullpen. He is responsible for this, which is kind of cool.

Mormon founder/latter-day saint Joe Smith would be better to have on the Mets because he would probably sleep with and better satisfy the current Joe Smith's wife.

"I'm a man! I'm 40! I drive a Dodge Stratus!"

Kudos to Oklahoma State Head Coach Mike Gundy for not only being so loyal to his team that he dyed his skin OSU orange, but for also giving us this little gem of a meltdown...

Favorite quote: "That's why I don't read the newspaper. Because it's garbage." So that's why you cancelled your subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal and Sunday New York Times...

In conclusion, I do hope the good people at Coors Light get this footage into one of their commercials in the near future.

An Argument For The Quick and Painless Confirmation of Judge Michael B. Mukasey for Attorney General of the United States of America:

Courtesy of the New York Times:

"Similarly, he dismissed a lawsuit by Anastasia Myskina, a tennis star, over the publication of nude photographs of her, finding that she had signed a valid release and that the photographs were newsworthy."

Future Justice Mr. Skin, I salute you.

L'Shanah Tovah!

But seriously...

Do Jewish zombies fast on Yom Kippur?

The Funny Thing Is...

... that this waste of life gets a "HOLD" stat for his performance tonight and will probably make even more money because of it.





Fuck that shit.














And put your fucking thumb away and try to find us a bullpen, you idiot.

An Open Letter to the Mets

Dear New York Mets --

I don't know what people have been telling you, but five game losing streaks during the last half-month of the season are not cool. Perhaps you guys are thinking to yourselves, "Six out of the past seven World Series had a Wild Card team in it; maybe we should try that." Stop it. Get that idea out of your collective brains right now.

Listen to me: You must win your division. However in order to do this, you must win games. My conclusion is that you must have forgotten the definition of "winning" along with the definitions of "fielding" and "pitching." I trust that you will Google these words and get back on track.

In the meantime, let's look at some of the positives -- like it's Yom Kippur this weekend so hopefully Scott Schoeneweis will be in temple Friday and Saturday (and therefore not on the baseball diamond) asking Yahweh for his forgiveness for sucking so fucking hard at life.

Lets sack up Mets. (Or for Pedro, Reyes and company: permítanos saco arriba los Mets de Nueva York)

Sincerely,

The Guys at Roto Recall

PS: And why the photo of Mo Vaughn? Because I needed to find the proper picture that conveyed my inner-sadness at your recent performance. Yes -- my current emotional state is the literal equivalent to that of a big fat bloated underachieving black man.

Things I Liked and Didn't Like Today

Yahoo Fantasy Football Live – This is an online show that’s on Yahoo an hour before the early games start on Sunday. Basically it’s a call-in program hosted by a dude who looks like he’s a day trader Monday thru Friday. The experts are Brandon Funston and Brad Evans -- the guys who write some of the free fantasy columns on Yahoo. They are both HUGE nerds, but oddly entertaining nerds. Evans, who has got a Rob Corddry look to him, likes to shout things for no apparent reason. The cadence of his voice reminds me of the Asian dude in “Better Off Dead” who learned English by listening to Howard Cosell. Meanwhile, Funston is Tim Cowlishaw without the charisma – and is reminiscent of third-tier fat-guy-married-to-hot-wife sitcom star Mark Addy (of “Still Standing” and the super-shitty “Viva Rock Vegas”). These dudes are pretty accurate with their advice and it’s great that everything is done rapid fire – they blaze through viewer questions like they’re being paid on commission. That being said, I think the show would be better if it were done “clutch cargo”-style a la this. I also found it funny that their week 2 celebrity guest was Houston Astros reliever Brad Lidge. The tsuris that hack has caused fantasy owners this season… only 15 saves? Feh on him.

“Be A Woman Be A Fan” Reebok Commercial – I think the three lady Giant fans in this commercial are so hot. The first one who walks in looks like the chick from “Superbad.” I also like how they made the Philly fan kinda skanky.
Whoever Was the Color Man for the Miami-Dallas Game – In the first quarter one of the guys said “Zach Thomas is like a pit bull… he will strike you when you least expect it.” The dude sounds like a Mike Vick apologist to me. As far as I know, pit bulls don’t do that. Snakes do that. Earthquakes do that. Serial Killers do that. But not pit bulls.





Kathy Griffin – She just won an Emmy for her reality show. Kathy Griffin. She is the owner of an Emmy. A real one. Kathy Griffin having won an Emmy is the equivalent of Yasser Arafat having won the Nobel Peace Prize – with the main difference being the majority of men on planet Earth would rather have sex with Arafat than with Miss Kathy.

For Christ Sakes...

Can somebody please give this woman her fucking dog back?

The Worst Thing Ever

"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."

I never thought I would ever those words strung together in an AP article (not that I think about the words strung together in any other capacity)...

The gist of it is that a Texas fan walked into a bar in Oklahoma wearing a UT shirt. This led to a 50-year-old Sooners supporter nearly ripping his balls off.

There are SO many things that are weird and fucked up about this:

1) A dude was wearing white shorts? Is his name Bjorn Borg? Because if not, he was probably asking for trouble even if he wasn't wearing the UT shirt.

2) The Sooners fan didn't punch, knee, or karate chop the other guys crotch -- HE LATCHED ONTO IT WITH SUPER-HUMAN POWER. We've all heard stories about how when in tight situations andreline kicks in and gives you strength you never thought you had otherwise (like the mom who lifts a flipped-over car that is crushing her newborn baby, or something of the sort). I would think that the guy whose balls are in a hand-vice would have the life-perserving instinct kick in. I guess he just didn't want his own balls enough.

3) The lawyer of the man who nearly lost his cojones said "My client never said a word to him. He got up to pay and when he paid and left a tip, the guy grabbed him." Does him leaving a tip really matter to the case? Is he hoping that the eventual case will end up in a district that has a high number of waiters/waitresses in the jury pool?

My final thought: If I owned a sporting goods manufacturing company I would be actively trying to get the Texan Ball-less Wonder to endorse a line of protective cups with the Longhorn insignia on it -- "Because a Longhorn ain't a Longhorn without his nuts intact."

Catchy, eh?

Chris Brown: Sextuple Threat Superstar

Chris Brown had a huge Sunday! Not only was he named AFC Offensive Player of the week after rushing for 175 yards, but he then flew to Vegas where he showed the Tevin Cambells, Ralph Tresvants and this guy poseurs of the world that HE is indeed the next Michael Jackson.

Huzah to Chris Brown -- the world's first sextuple threat: he sings, dances, rushes, doesn't score touchdowns, lip synchs AND performs like a black Charlie Chaplin (see video)!!!

Don't Think, Just Answer

Flava Flav or Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson?

You Be The Judge

Is this a picture of:

A) A Fiber-Optic Dong Getting Ready to Bone Manhattan

OR

B) The Cover of Sunday's New York Time's Key Magazine Real Estate
Supplement

Week 1 -- Mid(ish) Game Report

Well I'm two-thirds of the way finished with my team this week. I'm roughly 20 points down going into Monday night with Willis, Rudi and and Darrell Jackson primed for me against Frank Gore. Here's are the highlight from today:

Click here for the Awesomista Bad-Assery Nike Commercial Campaign

The only thing that could've made that commercial better would be if it had Chingachgook raging down the field with his green machette 'o death hacking away at Chargers until he put the old crowd-pleasing Mohican finishing chop move on Magua. (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, please take the time to rent "Last of the Mohicans.")

And that's it. Everything else today sucked balls. I'll be actively rooting for Tony Gonzalez's Bell's Palsy to get worse throughout the season. At least then he'll have the proper look on his face whenever he peers at Big Perm Edwards with confusion, wanting to know why Huard is unable to throw the ball to him.

(I was going to post a photo of somebody with Bell's Palsy, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. To learn more about Bell's Palsy, please go to the smartest place on the internet -- Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bells_palsy)

It's Not TV...

Drew Brees' performance was much like the premiere episode of the new HBO show “Tell Me You Love Me.”

Lots of promise at first – Brees is going to be huge this year! He’s gonna throw lots of TDs! He’s got Bush!... TMYLM (my special nickname for the show) will be the hottest new show this year! It’s gonna have the drama of "Six Feet Under" and the sexiness (ie nudity) of “Sex in the City”! It’s got bush!

Then it’s awkward – Oohh. Drew ain’t looking too sharp out there from the get go. This can’t be good.… TMYLM: Oohh. That 40-year-old dude is jacking himself off in the first scene. This can’t be good.

And then there's a total collapse – Brees has two balls intercepted. There’s limited action by Bush… TMYLM: A different dude’s two balls are intercepted by my eyes as he’s sticking it to his fiancé at such an angle that we can't see her boobs. There’s limited... (you get where I’m going with this).

Hopefully Sunday will be better. At least “Curb” will be returning.