Ways To Improve The Olympics: Part 4 of ???

Steeplechase. This track and field event mainly involves running around in circles and jumping over random shit, including a puddle. It is so inconsequential that Konami did not even include it in it's hit 1988 Nintendo game "Track and Field."

Currently, the athletes run around 3000 meters. I say we quadruple that number.

They also run outside. Let's have them do it inside, with the heat really blaring. Say 103 degrees or so.

Then, instead of hurdles and puddles, we add somewhat jumpable electrified fences and a creek filled with piranhas and those tiny Amazon fish that swim up into urethras.

BAM! Now we've got an athletic event and/or a Japanese game show. Either way, the steeplechase has just become way more fun.

By Winning, He Doesn't Have To Go Back There, Right?

Rohullah Nikpai won Afghanistan's first ever Olympic medal today. He took bronze in the under 58-kilogram taekwondo.

For all you Bush haters, suck on it. Exporting America works.

Before we were in Afghanistan they had ZERO Olympic medals. Now they have ONE Olympic medals. ONE OLYMPIC MEDALS! It's called math, you liberal pansies. Wiki it, pour some BBQ sauce on it and slurp it down your big old lie holes. Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm.

Now just watch as the medals start pouring into Iraq.

Oh... those aren't medals pouring into Iraq? They're insurgents?

Wow. Michael Phelps sure is the greatest Olympian ever, right...

The Numbness Can Make It Feel Like It's Somebody Else

The Boston Red Sox are pushing back Josh Beckett's next start due to a lingering numbness in his right hand.

This is a common ailment in New England -- Boston sports fans have been jacking off too hard to the Pats, BoSox and Celtics that somebody was bound to get hurt.

It's Not Like He Bit An American

Boxer Dzhakhon Kurbanov of Tajikstan was disqualified in his Olympic light heavyweight bout for biting his opponent, Yerkebulan Shynaliyev of Kazakhstan.

This is clearly a case of cultural misunderstanding. You see, native Tajiks like to eat people of Kazakhstan descent. They prefer them prepared raw and sweaty, so you can really sympathize with Mr. Kurbanov on this one.

The Richest Man In Indiana Ever

Basketball coach Tom Crean has signed a 10-year $23.6 million contract with the University of Indiana.



Vanessa Langly, a third-year Indiana economics major who's working two campus jobs and has taken out a loan to pay for tuition, was unavailable for comment on the signing, as she was working at one of her two jobs.

Complete Complete Sabathia

C.C. Sabathia pitched another complete game last night.

The following letter was slipped under Roto Recall's bathroom door last night (We need to invest in a security system):

Dear Bud:

Enough of this instant replay crap. Baseball needs something else instituted immediately.

More innings. Nine innings isn't enough baseball for me. Last night I got 27 people out on 130 pitches. Do you know what my arm feels like this morning? Think about the most marvelous boobie you've ever touched. Now double it, both in cup size and girth, and you've got my arm.

Let's give this game some cojones and up it to 14 innings, with five outs per inning. I figure then I can finally get the 260-pitch workout my body needs.

Truth be told, that's why I'm so fat. So if you think about it, I might die of diabetes or heart disease or a lamb shank if you don't super size baseball.

Yeah... Super size... I'm gonna go eat 27 of those McDonald's southern style chicken sandwiches now.

Fine, you got me. I've already eaten them and on my way to get more.

C.C.

B.S. Pen

The Mets bullpen has yet again blown another game for the team.



There's only one way New York will be able to make it through the post-season -- train all of their starters to pitch ambidextrously. I would much rather see lefty John Maine come in for relief of righty John Maine than witness Duaner Sanchez, Scott Schoenweis or Eddie Kunz throw one more third-of-an-inning of "work."

The Mets need to look into getting this dude: