I Must ERG You

The Russian rowing federation has been banned for one year for juicing.

The amazing thing about this is that they didn't even have to test any of the Russians for doping; the team simply displayed the stereotypical symptom of a 'roider -- a tiny coxswain.

Daddy Hates You

Dear Hank:

Suck a dick.

Con muchos besos,
Omar




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Rumor has it George Steinbrenner was so angry when he heard about this that he fired Billy Martin again and hired a stack of pancakes to manage the Yankees. Hank then proceeded to chow down on Skipper Pancakes because he eats whenever he feels fat and useless.

"Hey Ma! No Third Servings Of The Pasta Primavera For Me!"

Former Met/New National/Past Steroid User Paul Lo Duca will be out for 4-6 weeks following knee surgery he had completed earlier today.

Those guys break down pretty quickly once they're off the juice... Just compare these photos of Paulie taken last summer and last week:

John McEnroe Wants You To Poop

It's time for Roto Recall to share something with you -- I start out each day with a fresh cup of coffee and home delivery of the New York Times. It's no big deal. I like to pamper myself.

Anyway, I turned to the National Report section where I was greeted by a quarter-page advertisement featuring the disembodied head of tennis great John McEnroe shilling All-Bran cereal. The tag line? "Most People Find The All-Bran 10-Day Challenge To Be A Moving Experience."

Get it? Like bowel movements. Because bran makes you shit.

Oddly enough, old episodes of "McEnroe" made me want to do the same thing.

Headbutting Is The New 'Roiding

There have been no less than two major headbutting incidents in athletics over the past week. First Patriots defensive lineman Richard Seymour allegedly headbutted a Changers assistant coach on the sideline of Sunday's game and now professional bicyclist Elia Rigotto has been disqualified from a race in Australia for headbutting an opponent right before the finish line. (And let's be real here, they race bicycles, not cycles. If you ride a two-wheeler it's just a few steps above the local spinning class at the gym.)

There were also no less than 83 headbutts during the most recent Friday Night SmackDown!.

Somewhere in heaven Bam Bam Bigelow is smiling. And then he stops smiling and headbutts Mother Teresa... because that's what Bam Bam does best.

Donaghy Wuz Here

Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy's sentencing on two felony charges stemming from a basketball gambling scam has been delayed again until April.

Following "child molester" and "dirty cop," "former NBA referee" is the most hated pre-incarcerated profession in prison. Donaghy is really going to have watch out for those loose ball fouls in the shower.

And he should definitely sleep on his back to prevent any elbowing.

Where In The World Is Chuck Knoblauch?

Chuck Knoblauch is on the lam! Federal agents are unable to find him to serve him with a subpoena to come before a House of Representatives panel to discuss his role in the baseball steroids controversy.

This should have been completely expected as Chuck Knoblauch is a tiny tiny tiny wee little man. His real size is roughly the length of Rick Moranis in "Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves" (after he wound up shrinking himself).

As such, the government needs to stake out the following locations because Mr. Knoblauch will turn up at one of them eventually: thimbles, doll houses, mouse holes, rabbit holes, gopher holes, holes on golf courses, shot glasses, acorns, beach shells, spoons, human ears, sidewalk cracks, and, of course, Scores (East Side and West Side).

And That, Children, Is How Budford Q. Selig Saved Baseball

Baseball Commish Bud Selig received a round of applause when he told a crowd in St. Louis, "I am satisfied and I believe our fans are satisfied that we're doing everything and have done everything we can possibly do."

He then showed them exactly how baseball is gonna nip this whole steroid/HGH thing in the bud -- by basing the new testing system on the Homeland Security Advisory Threat Level System.

Yes. A colored-coded chart is going to save baseball and it's going to look like this:

Red (Severe) -- Holy fucking shit. We would ban you from baseball for life, except you're probably going to die from brain cancer at any moment. And stop punching that concrete block; you're getting knuckle blood on the carpet.

Orange (High) -- We are really disappointed in the decisions you have made and have come to the conclusion... Oh wait, it's just you Roger. Carry on.

Yellow (Elevated) -- How dare you! (wink wink) You are so banned from playing baseball for the next day and a half. (nudge nudge) Don't you ever do illegal performance enhancing substances again, you cad! (thumbs up sign)

Blue (Guarded) -- You can't drink five Red Bulls and snort some lines of Ritalin before a game anymore. Sorry.

Teal (Low) -- Congrats! There's no illegal substances in your blood stream. Unfortunately, we're gonna have to cut you from the roster because we just signed this monster player. The dude has got acne on his back that can hit the ball farther than you.

Nene's Junk Is Fine, Thank You Very Much

Nuggets forward Nene had a benign tumor removed from his right testicle on Monday at a Denver area hospital.

While Nene has no timetable to return to the team, the New York Knicks have signed the tumor to a max deal worth $90 over five years. Isiah Thomas believes that although the tumor is only benign, it will still play with more intensity than Stephon Marbury.

Kurt Angle Is So Disappointed With This Guy

One of the top American Greco Roman wrestlers has been banned from competing for two years by the US Anti-Doping Agency after testing positive for marijuana for the second time.

The good news is that he's still eligible to wrestle for the countries of Estonedia and Endonesia.

On a separate note, I'd like to nominate Koko B. Ware as Stoner Wrestler of the Millennium. Check out his bird, man... His biiiiiiirrrrrddddd...

You'd Do The Same Thing In That Situation Too

Pacman Jones punched a woman in the face in an Atlanta strip club after he accused the club's managers of stealing his money and bracelet.

To be fair, this is the bracelet in question:

Pacman hates violence against women so much that if somebody prevents him from displaying his hatred of it he'll punch a woman in the face. And that's what being a hero is all about.

A Double Standard

How come Jessica Simpson gets shit for making Tony Romo suck but Ashlee Simpson gets a free pass for causing Fall Out Boy to blow?

IMHO FOB has not been the same since "From Under the Cork Tree." Weak bass riffs. Lame Emo-ing. Terrible eyeliner applications. Not to mention nary a single self-taken photo of any band member's genitalia being leaked online in months!

Damn you Ashlee for parasiting out the talent from Pete Wentz! If your new chin wasn't made out of space-aged polymers that can withstand up to level-4 hurricane winds...

On the flip side, a double date with these two couples would be HI-larious. The Maitre'De would be like "Mr. Romo, allow me to escort you and the three ladies to your table."

How Rude!

This morning Congress began it's questioning of George Mitchell, Bud Selig and Donald Fehr about juicing in baseball.

The most shocking part of the proceedings were all the interruptions. At least once every 30 minutes some idiot or mourning mother peeked his/her head in the room and asked (EDITOR'S NOTE: Please imagine the voices done in the style of Andrew Dice Clay speaking like a woman), "Is this the room where we can talk about the war in Iraq?... Is this where the inquiry about the dangerous decline of municipal infrastructure is being held?... Is this meeting about the US economy and the impending recession?... If anybody here sees Kucinich, be sure to let him know that I want my snow blower back."

It's like, COME ON! We're trying to figure out who injected what into who's buttocks here! Couldn't an intern have printed out a sign or something? Grrrrrr! Only Stephanie Tanner can clearly, succinctly and eloquently state my feelings on the matter:

George Mitchell Is Full Of Excuses

Baseball HGH Czar George Mitchell claims to have tried to contact Roger Clemens twice before the publication of his self-titled report.

First Contact: March 29, 2007 -- George Mitchell left a long message for Roger on his answering machine detailing all the questions that he would like ask him about Brian McNamee, steroids and HGH. Unfortunately, just as George was about to leave the final two digits of his phone number, the machine cut him off.

Second Contact: July 6, 2007 -- George Mitchell sprung a surprise visit on Roger at Lola's Hair and Nail Shack in Houston where Rocket was getting his monthly tip frosting. George waited patiently while reading the latest edition of Glamour (from which he ripped out the article "37 New Tricks With Your Tongue That Will Blow His Mind") but Roger never came out. On a separate note, rumor has it that Clemens gets his hair frosted by having the dye injected directly into his buttocks.

Roto Recall Loves Handicapped People More Than Anne Sullivan Does

The IAAF has ruled that Oscar Pistorius, the man with the bionic legs, cannot compete in the 2008 Olympics because his super-stumps give him an unfair advantage over the other competitors.

Some scientist who hates handicapped people concluded that Pistorius' bladegs (that's a word combo of "blades" and "legs") improve his performance by more than 30 percent over the other elite sprinters. Clearly, the only way to solve this problem is to turn the 100-yard dash into the 130-ish-yard dash for Pistorius.

BAM!

Roto Recall has saved the Olympics for the handicapped! Bow down your amputeed bodies at the alter that is Roto Recall. Sacrifice your prosthetic limbs in the fires of Roto Recall-ness. Give me your fetish-encrusted women and Roto Recall with satisfy them in ways that only a full-blooded and able-bodied quadruped can.

It's only fair.

Bernie Brewer Has Got A New Drinking Buddy

Mike Cameron has signed with the Milwaukee Brewers. 

Based on Mike's previous interaction with brewers, this seems like a perfect fit. 

I say 74 days until his first DWI and 129 days until his first BYFIYTFWDFABWI (that would stand for Bashing Your Face Into Your Teammate's Face While Diving For a Ball While Intoxicated)

Hockey Is For Hosers, Eh?

So some Russian dude signed a fat old contract to play ice hockey for the ice hockey team that plays ice hockey in Washington DC for $124 million.

This piece of news excites me as much as Obama got when he heard that Sen. John Kerry was endorsing him over Edwards and Clinton.


"Kerry did what? (beat) Can we say no to this? (beat) Well why the fuck not? (beat) Somebody get me Oprah on the phone right fucking now!"

She Can't Be A Racist Because She's A Sorta Hot Chick

The Golf Channel has suspended commentator Kelly Tilghman after she capped a discussion about Tiger Woods by saying that other players on the tour should "lynch him in a back alley." Tilghman will be off the air for two weeks.

Two weeks?!? For that? Hasn't Ms. Tilghman been raped across the coals enough over this matter already. In my book, there is no need for her to be raped across those coals no more.

What? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh. Raaaaaked. I meant raked across the coals.

Whoopsies.

Snatch Point

"Two former British police officers who fought corruption in horse racing and cricket are going to head tennis' efforts to prevent match-fixing."

Professional tennis is putting two ex-Bobbies up against the Russian mafia? As they say in England, "GREAT CRIMINEY WIDGETS!"

Clearly the only two Brits who can put a stop to this are Jason Statham and Vinnie Jones. Let's get these blokes some sawed-off shotguns and let them get to work on the underground (and by "underground" I mean those who break the law; not the subway -- however if they choose to take the subway on their way to fight crime that would be fine by me.)

One Way To Prevent Shrinkage

"Seattle Seahawks kicker Josh Brown says he'll wear heated warm-up pants in the freezing weather at Saturday's playoff game in Green Bay."

So I guess he'll be feeling a fiery sensation in his crotch and for the first time it WON'T be syphilis.

(You just got BURNED, Josh Brown. It's ON in 2008!)

'Roid Writers

The big news today isn't that Goose Gossage was elected to Baseball Hall of Fame, but that several "alleged" steroid abusers received votes as well. And it wasn't just Mark McGwire who snagged votes (128 of them), but Dave Justice and Chuck Knoblauch too (who got one each). But who is the BWAA writer who cast the ballot for these guys? It was none other than San Diego Sun-Eagle columunist Rolf van Schimsky...

Way to work on those pecs, Rolf!

My Fingers Are Crossed

I have this deep, churning feeling in my gut that McNamee and Clemens can still work this whole thing out... AS BESTEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. 

I bet that if Clemens asked really nicely, McNamee would definitely hop back in that bathroom stall with him and inject his buttocks with steroids. And upon that first ecstasy-filled penetration, McNamee would whisper in Clemens ear, "I'm sorry I got caught and had to bring you down with me. I'm soooo sorry." 

Joe Gibbs Can Now Go Back To Being Confused About Other Things

Roto Recall has received an advanced transcript of today's

 Washington Redskins press conference where Joe Gibbs will discuss his decision to retire from the team: 

Joe Gibbs: It is with a deep sadness in my heart that I came to the decision to retire as head coach and president of the Washington Redskins. While some reports list me at 84 years of age, I am in fact only 67 years old and hope to continue into the twilight of life with the same dignity and wisdom I brought to the football field and locker room. The Redskins have a great roster and I'm positive with hard work and determination they will be able to have an excellent 2006 season.

Reporter: Uh, Joe. You guys actually just completed 2007-08 season.

Joe Gibbs: Really? You sure about that? 

Reporter: Yeah. We rang in 2008 just last week.

Joe Gibbs: Dang. I guess I should cancel my Fourth of July BBQ this weekend then. (pregnant pause) It is with a deep sadness in my heart that I came to the decision to retire as head coach and president of the Washington Redskins. While some reports list me at 84 years of age...

I Hope They Get That Anna Nicole Judge Who Likes To Cry

Roger Clemens is suing Brian McNamee for defamation.

Clemens still stands by his story that McNamee only injected his butt with legal substances. Roger Clemens will only pull down his drawers in front of another man who is not a medical doctor nor a Ph.D nor even plays either on TV only when that not-doctor is penetrating his rectum with something that is so completely not against the law that we, the American people, never heard about it for over a decade.

I buy it.

I'm just sad Clemens and McNamee aren't pals anymore. I think Dr. Phil needs to insert himself into this situation and give some of his old, down south country wisodom. At least he could inject Clemens's ass with some of the Lidocaine he so desperately needs for his knee...

I Guess Grass Is A Gateway Drug

Martina Hingis has officially been banned from tennis for two years after testing positive for cocaine during this past summer's Wimbledon. Looking back on it, it's safe to say we all missed the telltale signs of her coke-whorery... such as:


1) She dropped 63 pounds during the tournament.
2) She had to change out of her tennis whites seven times because of nose bleeds.
3) Her mixed-doubles partner was a Haitian guy named DelJean whose beeper went off continually during play.
4) The service box lines mysteriously disappeared during her opening match.
5) She sucked off the line judge for 10 bucks and advantage point.

Oooh Weeee! Those Barber Brothers Be NASTY!

Tampa Bay Bucs CB Ronde Barber has stepped up the trash talk in his team's upcoming playoff match up against his twin brother Tiki's former team, the Giants. And some reporters are supposing that Tiki has given Ronde some inside information about Eli Manning...

This Roto Recall reporter supposes that whatever Tiki said to Ronde occurred in their secret triplet brother's eyebrow waxing salon. The triplet's name is Phoofi; his salon is located in Chelsea and is called the Phoofi Barber Shop -- and everything about him is FAB-BU!