Hard Thrower, Somewhat Less So On The Running Part

The Brewers are appealing the one-hitter C.C. Sabathia threw for them today. They believe the lone hit should have been scored an error.

The lone hit was a slow roller to Sabathia that he was slower to get to and wound up dropping anyway.   

Maybe he should start envisioning the ball as a meatball. Nobody can remember the last time C.C. has dropped one of those.  

Gray Brings Out His Swarthiness

The Memphis Grizzlies have signed Iranian dynamo center Hamed Haddadi.

I think we all know what Haddadi will wear to his first press conference:

We Still Think It's An Adorable Little Hobby

The 2008 Women's Final Four brought more than $19 million to the Tampa, Florida economy.

This year's Super Bowl will also be held in Tampa. It's expect to bring in more than $300 million to the local economy.

Roto Recall gets the feeling that a Hannah Montana concert would bring the same flow to town as the women's NCAA tourney... except it would be waaaaay easier to nab a ticket for the basketball game.

His (Police) Record Isn't Impressive Enough

The Cincinnati Bengals are shopping around Rudi Johnson.

In return, the Bengals expect to receive a player with a pending class 2 felony and/or bricks of heroin currently hidden in his girlfriend's leather couch.

I Hear He's Having A Great Time In Greece Too... Interesting

The real reason Michael Strahan has decided to remain retired...

The McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich.

Bah-Di-Dah-Dah-Dah... I'm fuckin' lovin' it!

Straight Into The Throat

A single thought on the Mets 13-inning 8-7 loss to the Phillies last night...

Swedes Start Boycotting Cuban Sandwiches

In an essay, Fidel Castro has offered his full support to Angel Matos, the Cuban taekwondo athlete who was disqualified during his Bronze medal match and then kicked the Swedish judge in the face for disqualifying him.

Castro went on to pontificate about "European chauvinism" and "repugnant mercenary actions" of those who convince athletes to defect from the country.

I firmly believe Fidel is only a state media-published-essay-concerning-email-and-the-decline-of-punctuation away from becoming the Cuban Andy Rooney.

"Or, Imagine, Being Able To Be Magically Whisked Away To... Delaware."

Elena Della Donne, the top female basketball recruit in the country, has transferred from UConn to Delaware so she can focus on playing volleyball.

Just goes to show you, even one of the best women's basketball players thinks that women's basketball is boring.

And that Delaware is a better place to live than Connecticut.

And that tight white volleyball shorts give a better tingly feeling than baggy white basketball shorts.

And that it's okay to wear black athletic socks.

Elena Delle Donne, you are a mystery slathered in enigma gravy, battered with a flaky crust of conundrum.

Start Practicing How Not To Look Concussed

Brett Favre probably won't play in the Jets preseason finale.

I've got a better prediction: Brett Favre probably won't play in the Jets regular season finale either.

Miles Of Miles

Darius Miles has signed with the Boston Celtics. He has missed the last two season while recovering from microfracture surgery.


Is a side-effect from microfracture surgery rapid aging? Darius played a high school student only four years ago in "The Perfect Score." Now dude looks like he could play Tisha Campell's husband who together oversee a house full of adorably snarky kids in a ABC Family sitcom.

The Tradition Continues

The University of Miami has suspended 7 players, including starting quarterback Robert Marve, from their opening game next weekend for varying off-the-field incidents.




None of these kids should worry about having a future in the NFL -- as long as there's the Cincinnati Bengals, they can keep hope alive.

That's "Hot" As In Burning

The Arizona Cardinals have named Kurt Warner as starting QB over Matt Leinart.

The team cited Leinart's shoddy playing in the preseason as the reason for the decision, however Roto Recall knows the truth:

Paris Hilton-infused gonorrhea has finally infiltrated Leinart's arm.

And let's be completely honest about it... There's probably a touch of the syphilis in it too. And by "touch," I mean Leinart's arm is syphilis.

Ay Dios Mios!

Here's some free advice for Spain's basketball team who will be playing Team USA for the gold...

Don't do the African-American equivalent of that Chinese thing you did last week.

Ron Artest will be on the first junk to Beijing if you do.

Brits Should Try To Grab Hong Kong Too

David Beckham will participate in Sunday's Closing Ceremony at the Olympics. He will be part of the British contingent that will be handed the Olympic flag to celebrate the 2012 London Games.

While there is a fevered excitement about Becks being involved, a quarter of the way through the ceremony everybody will realize that it doesn't make a difference if he's there or not and that they probably would've gotten similar results without him there in the first place. Right LA Galaxy?

Iron Lion Zion

The IOC has publicly criticized Jamaican gold medalist Usain Bolt for excessive celebrating following his record-breaking runs in the 100-meter and 200-meter dashes.

Other people are hopping on the hate train too -- Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity have since accused Usain Bolt of being a secret Muslin.

Last Chance To Hit The Andy Warhol Museum

University of Pittsburgh forward Mike Cook has been denied an extra year of eligibility by the NCAA. He missed most of his senior season with a knee injury.

Mike Cook needs to look at the bright side of all of this: He's just added an extra year of eligibility of him drifting from random D-League team to random Greek League team to random Serbian League team.

Plus, he doesn't have to live in Pittsburgh anymore.

He Likes To Linger For A Bit

Philly receiver Kevin Curtis will miss the start of te NFL season due to hernia surgery.

Luckily the broken hernia was discovered during coach Andy Reid's daily hernia check of the team. Donovan McNabb all the way down to the dude in the Eagles mascot costume has to turn and cough for Coach Reid.

The man can't help it if he's an amateur hernia enthusiast.

Ways To Improve The Olympics: Part 4 of ???

Steeplechase. This track and field event mainly involves running around in circles and jumping over random shit, including a puddle. It is so inconsequential that Konami did not even include it in it's hit 1988 Nintendo game "Track and Field."

Currently, the athletes run around 3000 meters. I say we quadruple that number.

They also run outside. Let's have them do it inside, with the heat really blaring. Say 103 degrees or so.

Then, instead of hurdles and puddles, we add somewhat jumpable electrified fences and a creek filled with piranhas and those tiny Amazon fish that swim up into urethras.

BAM! Now we've got an athletic event and/or a Japanese game show. Either way, the steeplechase has just become way more fun.

By Winning, He Doesn't Have To Go Back There, Right?

Rohullah Nikpai won Afghanistan's first ever Olympic medal today. He took bronze in the under 58-kilogram taekwondo.

For all you Bush haters, suck on it. Exporting America works.

Before we were in Afghanistan they had ZERO Olympic medals. Now they have ONE Olympic medals. ONE OLYMPIC MEDALS! It's called math, you liberal pansies. Wiki it, pour some BBQ sauce on it and slurp it down your big old lie holes. Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm.

Now just watch as the medals start pouring into Iraq.

Oh... those aren't medals pouring into Iraq? They're insurgents?

Wow. Michael Phelps sure is the greatest Olympian ever, right...

The Numbness Can Make It Feel Like It's Somebody Else

The Boston Red Sox are pushing back Josh Beckett's next start due to a lingering numbness in his right hand.

This is a common ailment in New England -- Boston sports fans have been jacking off too hard to the Pats, BoSox and Celtics that somebody was bound to get hurt.

It's Not Like He Bit An American

Boxer Dzhakhon Kurbanov of Tajikstan was disqualified in his Olympic light heavyweight bout for biting his opponent, Yerkebulan Shynaliyev of Kazakhstan.

This is clearly a case of cultural misunderstanding. You see, native Tajiks like to eat people of Kazakhstan descent. They prefer them prepared raw and sweaty, so you can really sympathize with Mr. Kurbanov on this one.

The Richest Man In Indiana Ever

Basketball coach Tom Crean has signed a 10-year $23.6 million contract with the University of Indiana.



Vanessa Langly, a third-year Indiana economics major who's working two campus jobs and has taken out a loan to pay for tuition, was unavailable for comment on the signing, as she was working at one of her two jobs.

Complete Complete Sabathia

C.C. Sabathia pitched another complete game last night.

The following letter was slipped under Roto Recall's bathroom door last night (We need to invest in a security system):

Dear Bud:

Enough of this instant replay crap. Baseball needs something else instituted immediately.

More innings. Nine innings isn't enough baseball for me. Last night I got 27 people out on 130 pitches. Do you know what my arm feels like this morning? Think about the most marvelous boobie you've ever touched. Now double it, both in cup size and girth, and you've got my arm.

Let's give this game some cojones and up it to 14 innings, with five outs per inning. I figure then I can finally get the 260-pitch workout my body needs.

Truth be told, that's why I'm so fat. So if you think about it, I might die of diabetes or heart disease or a lamb shank if you don't super size baseball.

Yeah... Super size... I'm gonna go eat 27 of those McDonald's southern style chicken sandwiches now.

Fine, you got me. I've already eaten them and on my way to get more.

C.C.

B.S. Pen

The Mets bullpen has yet again blown another game for the team.



There's only one way New York will be able to make it through the post-season -- train all of their starters to pitch ambidextrously. I would much rather see lefty John Maine come in for relief of righty John Maine than witness Duaner Sanchez, Scott Schoenweis or Eddie Kunz throw one more third-of-an-inning of "work."

The Mets need to look into getting this dude:

Maybe Now He Can Afford Some Sleeves

Rafael Nadal is finally the No.-1 ranked tennis player in the world.

Maybe now he can finally get some. Chicks do not like dudes who are not numero uno. And if the dude wears capri pants too, well, that can't help much either. There's no way that Nadal could ever find a hot chick if Roger Fede...

... Oh... Wait... I guess it doesn't really matter what he's ranked then. Why does he even play tennis anyway? He's got an orange floaty device and a hot-body senorita who wears white bikinis. I'm going just going to assume this is what Nadal does every day he's not playing tennis.

He'll Gain An Extra 45 Pounds From The Pizza Alone

Shawn Kemp has signed a contract to play with Italian team Premiata Montegranaro.

Apparently Kemp is bringing all of his skills to Italy -- he has already impregnated Monica Bellucci, Sophia Loren and Danny Aiello.

Ways To Improve The Olympics: Part 3 of ???

Baseball.  Current international baseball rules state that if a game goes to the 11th inning then from that point forward runners are placed at first and second base and the teams can start batting at any place in the order. 

How about they just play the game as it's intended to be played -- last team standing, no holds barred, amphetamines brewed in the coffee, and plenty of defecting Cubans who claim to be in their early 20's even though they wear dentures. 

That's the baseball I know and love. 

He Should Really Get A Fax Machine

Pacman Jones mailed a letter to NFL commish Roger Goodell asking for his reinstatement into the league. 

Ironically enough, immediately after placing the letter in his corner mailbox, Pacman decided he wanted it back. Moments later, several  gunshots were fired at the mailbox. Police have no suspects in the case.  

What, No Fade?

Manny Ramirez finally followed manager Joe Torre's orders and cleaned up his hair by cutting an inch cut off of his dreads. 

Manny continued to show what a stand up kinda guy he is by donating the fallen locks to the Street Urchin Extension Fund, a non-profit organization that pairs extensions with needy children. 

This is exactly why he deserves $25 million a year, folks! Pay up, Colletti!  

The Future Is Now

Major League Baseball is prepping its ballparks for instant replay. 

A lot of baseball purists are unhappy about this -- they think it will take the "human" element out of the game.

But not Roto Recall... we believe this is the first step towards the inevitable: U.M.P.S. (aka Ultimate Moderating Professional System)

Imagine Lou Pinella kicking dirt onto the shins of a 25-foot tall metal beast. Now imagine Lou Pinella getting eviscerated via the U.M.P.S.'s built in laser-saw module.   

Imagine some drunken Yankee fans using sailor-talk while discussing the home plate U.M.P.S.'s mother. Now imagine those same drunken Yankee fans being drawn and quartered during the seventh inning stretch by the first base U.M.P.S.'s pinpoint machete arm. (Because the first base U.M.P.S. will always have the home plate U.M.P.S. bulletproof back)

Imagine a fat lazy umpire. Now imagine if a T-X had sex with a ED-209... Ooooh yeeeeah... That's nice... Go slower ED-209... There ain't no rush... Yeah...

 

China And Cuba Have A Lot In Common

Chinese gold medalist He Kexin is telling reporters that she is 16 even though Chinese media outlets reporters she was 13 earlier in the year. 

Roto Recall has gotten its hands on a photo taken of He last December and, quite frankly, we think she's even younger than 13. 

Maybe They Were Making A Political Statement About North Korea

Members of Spain's Olympic basketball team are in some hot water after posing for a photo while pulling back their eyes so to look "Chinese." 

I say no blood, no foul. It's not like they made pee-pee in somebody's coke.... 

Besides, they look more like Renee Zellweger than anything else.