Heaven Just Gained A (Dare)Devil

Evel Knievel is dead.

The man invented both "hard guy" and "extreme." Everybody from Tony Hawk to Mountain Dew owes Evel a debt of gratitude.

Here's a proper tribute to the man:

On the other hand, Robbie Knievel is extremely lame. Cancer patients wear bandanas better than this guy.

The Knicks Aren't A Very Good Basketball Team

"We take two steps forward and one giant step back." -- Isiah Thomas

Thank you Isiah. Paula Abdul and MC Scat Cat couldn’t have put it any better. If you didn’t know, the Knicks lost by 45 last night to the Celtics. Even Kevin Garnett’s old nasty T-Wolves goatee got in the action, putting up seven points and three rebounds.

It's time the Dolans went "Lord of the Flies" on the team and let them govern themselves. I have the sneaking suspicion Nate Robinson would somehow become the vicious ruler of the squad. Dude's got a Marlo Stanfield vibe about him...

I Must Break You(r Serve)

Who here isn’t getting enormously excited for the Davis Cup finals? A little bit? Not even a smidgen of excitement? Nothing on your body moves or even twitches when you hear that the United States will be battling Russia for the tennis equivalent of the World Curling Championship?

So I guess this match should rank in the history of the great US-Russia rivalry somewhere between Boris & Natasha taking on Moose & Squirrel and that game of bubble hockey that was in every bowling alley in the 80’s.

And why do all of the Russian players look like bankers? I kind of wish they were more imposing – like Bond villains or Ivan Drago. Putin should personally give each team member a facial scar... Or announce if they lose to the Americans they’ll be put in the gulag. Though I guess it wouldn’t be too far-fetched if Cheney suggested the same to Team USA…

Jorge Posada Likes Things That Are Obvious

The way Jorge Posada sees it, the New York Yankees must add an ace to their rotation. That's why he wants Johan Santana pitching in pinstripes next year.

Jorge also wants the Yankees to win the World Series, receive a "beej" from a really hot chick and for the United States to draw up a sensible timetable to remove its troops from Iraq.

Tell Me You 'Roid You

HBO Films is planning to turn a best selling book about Barry Bonds' alleged steroid use and the federal government's wide-ranging probe into performance enhancing drug use in sports into a movie.

Clearly the only person who can be cast as Barry Bonds is the computer program who played Beowulf.

Hate to Break It To You Mets Fans...

There's no way the Mets are winning the Johan Santana sweepstakes by giving up any combination of Philip Humber, Mike Pelfrey, Carlos Gomez, Lastings Milledge or parking/concession stand rights at the new CitiField -- it'll take saying buh-bye to David Wright or Jose Reyes, which ain't gonna happen.

However I do think Omar could snag some other Santanas with what he's willing to deal...

I predict a season sellout in five minutes if Carlos Santana performed the National Anthem AND the Curly Shuffle at every home game... Viva Los Mets!

Ole! Let's bring in Tito Santana to be a coach! How sweet would it be if he were to make his entrance to the field by flying out of the home run apple? The pitching staff would have carte blanche for throwing brushbacks because if a bench clearing brawl erupted who would want to take the chance to be wapped with a flying forearm smash?

Since they're gonna wind up getting nobody of any importance anyway, let's make it fun and bring Frank Tanana out of retirement... His moustache is enchanting.

The Most Important Question in the Entire History of the Universe Times Infinity Squared

Yorvit and the Rockies: A Mile-High Passion

Catcher Yorvit Torrealba, who flirted with leaving Colorado to join the New York Mets as a free agent earlier this month, will instead return to the Rockies.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR OF COORS FIELD.

Rockies: Who is it?

Yorvit: You know who it is baby. Let me in. It’s cold out here.

Rockies: Yorvit? Is that you?

Yorvit: You know it is, baby. I’m back. I missed you oh so bad.

Rockies: But what about the Mets?

Yorvit: The Mets? I don’t know no Mets…

Rockies: I can smell the fumes from LaGuardia on you.

Yorvit: That? It’s just my new body spray, Fumage. Now slide these gates open while I slide down my long johns and we can…

Rockies: But you don’t love me. And after everything we’ve gone through together. I put you in the World Series.

Yorvit: That’s the past, baby. But the future is that I’m still Yorvit Torrealba and I still got a lotta catching to do on your ass. You ready to receive it?

Rockies: I don’t know…

Yorvit: Fine. Be a bitch about it. I’m gonna go stay with Arizon…

THE DOOR OPENS.

Rockies: No! Don’t go! Here. Here’s seven million dollars. I need you Yorvit Torrealba. I’m nothing without you Yorvit Torrealba. You are my universe dressed in tight white pinstriped pants Yorvit Torrealba.

YORVIT ENTERS THE STADIUM.

Yorvit: Fine. I’ll come back. But only because I respect you. Now go make me a spicy sausage sandwich. Yorvit has got to eat.

The Juice Is Loose on Bail

O.J. Simpson firmly pleaded "not guilty" Wednesday at his arraignment on charges of kidnapping and armed robbery of two sports memorabilia dealers.

The following is the unedited transcript of Simpson's arraignment:

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the charge of conspiracy to commit robbery?

OJ: Not guilty, Judge Glass.

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the charge burglary with the use a deadly weapon?

OJ: Not guilty, Judge Glass.

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the first charge assault with a deadly weapon?

OJ: I’m innocent, Judge Glass.

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the second charge assault with a deadly weapon?

OJ: Judge Glass, it was not me.

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the first charge of coercion with a deadly weapon?

OJ: What’s the opposite of guilty, Judge Glass? I’m that.

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the second charge of coercion with a deadly weapon?

OJ: Come on Judge Jackie Glass, do you really think I would…

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the first charge robbery with the use of a deadly weapon?

OJ: Do I really have to say it again J.G.?

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the second charge robbery with the use of a deadly weapon?

OJ: That reminds me something Les… that’s Leslie Neilson… did, which was the funniest thing on the set NG 2.5… that’s Naked Gun 2 ½…

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the charge of kidnapping?

OJ: Where’s Johnny C? Where the eff is Johnny eff’n C?

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the charge of conspiracy to commit a crime?

OJ: Wuddn’t me, woman.

Judge Jackie Glass: How do you plea to the charge of conspiracy to commit robbery?

OJ: Fuck you.

Judge Jackie Glass: And finally, how to you plea to the charge of conspiracy to commit armed robbery?

OJ: You shut your thin-lipped piehole before I bust through your mouth and rob your teeth with my fists.

JUDGE JACKIE GLASS BANGS HER GAVEL. OJ SIMPSON GRABS HIS CROTCH AND SPITS ON THE GROUND. HE HOLDS UP HIS RIGHT HAND TO HIS EAR AND MOUTHS TO JUDGE JACKIE GLASS, "CALL ME."

The Best Most Boringly Awesome Show Ever

Ladies and gentlemen, here is "Talking Trash," a sports talk show with over 70 episodes on YouTube. I believe the main qualification to be a talking head on this program is to have at least some form of hair on or around your chin and to hold the firm belief that the brim of fitted caps is actually the backend of the hat.

Bad As I Wanna (WN)Be(A)

Dennis Rodman wants to coach a WNBA team.

What's with all the former Bad Boys from Detroit tucking under to lead the lady squads? Along with Rodman, there's Bill Laimbeer & Rich Mahorn on the Shock and Isiah Thomas on the New York Liber... I mean, Knicks.

I'm fully confident that Dennis would be able to give the Women's National Basketball Association the respect that it so sorely deserves...

By the way, did you know that if you enter "WNBA" into Google Images or YouTube, it will ask "Did you mean: NBA?"

"None Of The Above!"

Former phenom Mark Prior is now trait bait for the Cubs.

If you're reading this Omar, I would rather have Richard Pryor (either in character as Monty Brewster or not) in the black, blue and orange than this guy. Please, don't make it happen.

It's Probably Too Soon, But...

Robert Cade, who invented the sports drink Gatorade and launched a multibillion-dollar industry that the beverage continues to dominate, died Tuesday of kidney failure.

Cade is set to be cremated and his ashes will be scattered over whatever coach wins this year's Super Bowl.

A-Rod Needs To Make That Money

Alex Rodriguez has an enormous amount of incentive clauses in his nearly finalized $300 million-plus contract with the Yankees. While some of the clauses are quite obvious -- he gets an extra six million for breaking Barry Bond's career HR record -- others have been buried in the fine print:

• He'll get $1.5 million to learn how to pee standing up.


• If the Yankees lose in the first round of the playoffs (or miss them entirely), the team will produce and market a New brand of cologne -- Alex Rodriguez’s ““Clutch.”” (The double quotes are on purpose as it only works on drunk fat chicks and never when you need it to on beautiful women.)


• He’ll be allowed to perform an extended 15-minute Krump-influenced humping dance on the Babe Ruth memorial in Monument Park once he passes the 714 home run mark.

And as a true deterrent to any poor play by A-Rod, Hank Steinbrenner will give the superstar his patent-pending reach-around back rub for every error, strikeout and/or misplay on the base paths Rodriguez may make throughout the duration of his contract.

Hey Chicago Sports Fans...

Help me out... I'm confused by which of these stories are good news and which are bad news.

I Don't Know Which Makes Me More Uncomfortable...

... that Brady Anderson is on the Hall of Fame ballot or that the below photo of Brady Anderson actually exists.

Other Players The Angels Are Interested In Adding to Their Roster

The Angels have gone on to spend a ton of money to sign Torii Hunter, and they may be the front-runner to land Miguel Cabrera...

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Located off I-5 Within A Mile And a Half of Disneyland (that's their new official name) aren't even done with their off-season wheeling and dealing. I think they can really shore up the lineup by signing these players:






The Twins are asking for the best prospects an organization has to offer in return for Cy Young hoss Santana. The Angels should just give them their AAA and AA affiliates.

He might smell once he thaws, but I think Cryogenically Unfrozen Ted Williams could have a ton upside. Just imagine him hitting between Vlad and Miggy!

The T-1000 would be the ultimate enforcer for Anaheim. He's also a utility guy who can play every position and he slides crazy hard into second base. I know the T-X is more advanced – but come on, it’s a girl.

Omar No Ama Lo Duca

The Mets have traded Guillermo Mota to the Brewers for catcher Johnny Estrada.

As happy as I am to see Mota leave, I was hoping it would be in a body bag. And shouldn't Omar Minaya have learned with Julio Franco and Tom Glavine that former Braves do not belong on the Mets. Who's he going to fill Mota's bullpen spot with -- John Rocker?

And seriously, did Paul Lo Duca give Omar throat herpes or something? What's with the hate? How is Paulie gonna explain this to Mamma Lo Duca? "No Ma, you're not gonna have to leave New York. No Ma, I'm not gonna be putting you in a home... Ma! Listen to me, Ma! Get your head out of the Foreman Grill, Ma. It doesn't run on gas. Your baby is still gonna play ball. You ever hear of the Long Island Ducks?"

A Plea To Priest...

Don't retire just yet Priest Holmes... my fantasy team needs you.

Do you know you did finish his final football season in the pros despite the threat that he might never properly use his limbs again?

Stephen Hawking.

And that dude's a genius. Be a genius, Priest, and risk being in a wheelchair for the rest of your life for me and thousands of people like me. You owe us.

Next Thing You're Telling Me I Can't Whip It Out In The Parking Lot

A top New Jersey lawmaker demanded a crackdown after The New York Times reported that Jets fans gather on a pedestrian ramp at halftime urging women to expose their breasts.

Kenny Cardozo (right), a Jets fan from Bayonne, New Jersey, sent the following note to Roto Recall late last night:

First off, I would like to apologize for being caught saying these things to chicks. I never meant to get caught. I’ve been married three times to my high school sweetheart, so you know I really respect chicks.

What’s more important is that the public understands what’s behind the words, “Show me your titties.” You see, the titties don’t represent titties but more so a desire to win. We, as Jet fans, want to suckle at the nipple of victory. But off of whose nipple can we slurp? Eric Mangini? Perhaps if we liked the sour flavor of generic soap, Axe Body Spray and vinegar. I believe us Jet fans deserve the tang of triumph. And we can only get that tang by yelling at that tang. And by tang I mean both a synonym for flavor as well as pootang, which is a slang word for the lady vagina.

Also, I think it’s wrong to blame everybody who was yelling at the time. To be fair a good fifteen-percent of the guys were so drunk they thought they were at the Springsteen concert. “Bruuuuuuce” can easily sound like “Boooooobs.” Next time you’re at the bar scream “Bruuuuuuce” at a skanky chick and you’ll probably get the same reaction as “Boooooobs.”

In conclusion, my uncle is a fireman in Newark so give me a break on this one, okay? It’s not like we were throwing snowballs or nothing.

The Morbidly Obese Rose Bowl

Tom Lasorda... will be aboard the Los Angeles Dodgers' first-ever float in the 119th Rose Parade on New Year's Day.

Apparently Fernando Valenzuela will be on it too. Ooh. I hope this float will be triple-reinforced.

And when did Tommy Ladorda starting going by "Tom?" I guess once you turn 80 it's silly to go by a child's name.

I really am looking forward to the float. It's looking to show a lot promise. However, I'm sure it will disappoint by the time it's reaches the end of the parade. It doesn't matter though, as all the float's fans will leave 45 minutes into the event so they can beat the traffic home.

The NL MR MVP?

The biggest surprise in this years NL MVP contest isn't so much the player the player who won (Jimmy Rollins) but rather the player who received a single vote...

Carlos Marmol.

Carolos Marmol?

Yes. Carlos Marmol. Middle Reliever.

How about MLB just creates the Mike Stanton Award so guys like Marmol don't need to be validated in the national press by their hometown press?

Pete Sampras And Old Saggy Yellow Balls

Roger Federer beat Pete Sampras in an exhibition earlier today in Seoul, South Korea.

Isn't this the equivalent of Tiger Woods playing the 35 years dead Bobby Jones in a skins match?

The three great things about this are:

1) They played two of three sets -- like OLD WOMEN. I can only assume that Pete Sampras's bones would turn to dust if he were able to force a fourth or fifth set against Federer.

2) The AP Journalist covering the event actually had the balls to write: "The balding Sampras proceeded to break his opponent's serve and then moved 4-2 ahead courtesy of a drop shot." Larry David, Ron Howard and Rudy Giuliani should picket the Associated Press.

3) One of the published photos (see above) of the match makes it appear as if Sampras has grown an awful hippie ponytail.

Something Must Be Lost In Translation

"The White Sox are among five teams in the running for Japanese reliever Yasuhiko Yabuta. The Sox are looking for bullpen help, and Yabuta has told Japanese media the Sox, Royals, Indians, Rays and Pirates are the finalists for his services."

From the country that brought you both bukkake as well the most insane game shows in the world, now comes Yasuhiko Yabuta -- a pitcher who's interested in signing with four teams that were a combined 275-373 last season (with the Tribe being the fifth and only winning team in the mix).

Apparently, the Royals are at the top of his list. If this is the case, they must only get Kansas City games from 1985 in the Pacific Rim. He sure is gonna be disappointed when he looks over at third base and doesn't see George Brett... although Kauffman Stadium does have a koi pond zen-ness to it.

I thought shame was a bad thing in Japanese culture. Yas-Ya appears to just embrace it.

Even Video Game Rudi Johnson Is Soft

Video game programmers are retarded. There's no way Rudi Johnson can do this...



This, however, makes much more sense...

Tho I would've preferred it to end with one of those little ambulances rushing onto the field and knocking players out of the way a la Madden '92.

The Skeletosis Foundation

Steve Nash and Spencer Pratt could be twins -- but like twins from the movie "Twins" where one twin gets all the great qualities and the other gets all the shitty ones.

Yorvit, We Hardly Even Knew You...

The New York Mets, who have been trying to fill their big hole at catcher, Saturday said they have ended negotiations with free-agent catcher Yorvit Torrealba.

Thank freakin' god. At the very least, this saves us from the inevitable backcover headlines from the Post and Daily News declaring "Yorvit is Terriabla" or "Yorvit Terrea-blows." It also spares me from thinking that Yorvit is some sort of Latino bastard child of Joe Torre and Jessica Alba.

Paul Lo Duca must be loving this right now. I picture him reading this story in his bathrobe and then yelling downstairs to the basement where his doting Italian mom lives. "Hey Ma! Hey Ma! Don't pack that Michelangelo statue up in newspaper just yet, Ma! Your baby is still gonna be a Met, Ma! Your baby is still gonna be a Met!"

Go Big Blew?

If Michigan WR Mario Manningham became a gay porn star, his stage name would be Mario Manninman.

Now Fenway Will Really Be Rockin'

The Red Sox are adding 800 seats to Fenway Park.

I wonder how much they could get for tickets to sit on Terry Francona's lap?








... Or on Kevin Youkilis's face?

Shaq Being Shaq...

"Probably this year more so than any year I have been more vocal with Shaq, talking to him and trying to motivate him. But the main thing is Shaq has got to be self-motivated. He has got to be willing and ready to do it." -- Dwayne Wade

Easy there Dwyade, otherwise Shazam might have go Shaq-Fu on you like he did with some other uppity guards...

I'm sure there are plenty of other little guys out there in the NBA that Shaq would love to give piggyback rides to... on New Orleans perhaps? O'Neal wrapping up his career in K-Ville sure would be a nice story.