- Wake up. Do 15 minutes on the treadmill.
- Go to Hardee’s and have two Country Breakfast Burritos – extra sausage gravy.
- Stop by the Lower Cleveland Center for Speech Impediment. Torture children in the lisp unit.
- Before heading to the Jake, get 15 pierogis. Stick in mouth. Enjoy.
- Begin traditional pre-game warm up: sit on toilet for 50 minutes, take shower, repeat ‘til gametime.
- Pitch eight innings of five-hit, one-run ball. Make Boston fans cry.
- Drink champagne. Drench nearest female sports reporter with it.
- Return home. Check mouth to make sure you swallowed all the pierogis from earlier in the day. If it was a good one, you’ll find at least two.
- Finish final chapter of “Skinny Bitch” and then go to sleep.
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