Teams That Can Actually Afford A-Rod

Now that Alex Rodriguez has opted out of the final three years of his contract with the Yankees, Mr. Not October is currently a free agent. Where will he end up? Easy – with whoever can pay him an average of $30 million a year. However, there are only a few organizations that actually afford him:

The Chicago Cubs – The new cool loser team has a decent lineup with Alfonso Soriano, Derek Lee and Aramis Ramirez – but it would be that much more sweeter with A-Rod in the four-spot. The team is currently up for sale – which might mean good news to Rodriguez as Mark Cuban is interested in the club. The Benefactor once spent $23 million to have two Guatemalan strippers slowly eat a chili cheese-dog that was stuck between his butt checks (he had an elaborate set up of mirrors so he could watch the whole thing).

Manchester United – A-Rod is essentially a frontrunner, so joining the most celebrated soccer team in the world really wouldn’t be a stretch for him. He could play that position where you field the ball with your hands. (Editor’s note: Let it be noted that I don’t really follow this sport.)

UFC – The dudes at UFC would definitely pony up at least $40 million per year for the next 10 years to have Alex Rodriguez participate in one fight every 8-14 months. Imagine the Pay Per View revenues! I would pay at least $100 to watch A-Rod get mangled by guys like Chuck Liddell and Kimbo Slice.

Microsoft – As everybody knows, the Microsoft Hard Drives have been living in the basement of the Techno-Northwest Intramural Softball League since god knows when – and Bill Gates is sick of it. He can hook up A-Rod with a cushy front office job and let him return to his natural position of shortstop.

The GOP – The Grand Old Party has got the dough to make Rodriguez very happy. All he would have to do is help them reach out to the Latino vote…