Basketball? Again? Do We Have To?

The start of the NBA season has to be one of the least exciting "opening days" out of any sport professional sport. It ranks somewhere between Day 1 of the Australian Open and the first puck drop in the NHL.

Please either shorten the regular season or shorten the playoffs... or just have the Spurs and the Suns play for the title next week.

"I tried to kick it... but that shit just be callin' me man, it be callin' me, man... I just got to go to it!"

Mike Cameron has been suspended for 25 games next season for testing positive for the second time for a banned stimulant.

So, he's taking the Barry Bonds' defense of "I didn't know what the doctor/trainer was giving me." Interesting... I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for the first positive -- but if you get pinched twice, something is going on. I believe the only chance Cameron has for redemption is to go undercover and bring the illegal stimulate trade down from the inside... like Pooky did.

Teams That Can Actually Afford A-Rod

Now that Alex Rodriguez has opted out of the final three years of his contract with the Yankees, Mr. Not October is currently a free agent. Where will he end up? Easy – with whoever can pay him an average of $30 million a year. However, there are only a few organizations that actually afford him:

The Chicago Cubs – The new cool loser team has a decent lineup with Alfonso Soriano, Derek Lee and Aramis Ramirez – but it would be that much more sweeter with A-Rod in the four-spot. The team is currently up for sale – which might mean good news to Rodriguez as Mark Cuban is interested in the club. The Benefactor once spent $23 million to have two Guatemalan strippers slowly eat a chili cheese-dog that was stuck between his butt checks (he had an elaborate set up of mirrors so he could watch the whole thing).

Manchester United – A-Rod is essentially a frontrunner, so joining the most celebrated soccer team in the world really wouldn’t be a stretch for him. He could play that position where you field the ball with your hands. (Editor’s note: Let it be noted that I don’t really follow this sport.)

UFC – The dudes at UFC would definitely pony up at least $40 million per year for the next 10 years to have Alex Rodriguez participate in one fight every 8-14 months. Imagine the Pay Per View revenues! I would pay at least $100 to watch A-Rod get mangled by guys like Chuck Liddell and Kimbo Slice.

Microsoft – As everybody knows, the Microsoft Hard Drives have been living in the basement of the Techno-Northwest Intramural Softball League since god knows when – and Bill Gates is sick of it. He can hook up A-Rod with a cushy front office job and let him return to his natural position of shortstop.

The GOP – The Grand Old Party has got the dough to make Rodriguez very happy. All he would have to do is help them reach out to the Latino vote…

Where's A Steel Chair When You Need One?

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The Reason Why Joe Girardi Will Fail As Yankees Skipper

The Yankees have offered the managerial job to Joe Girardi. This won't last more than a season because the man has a weak constitution.

Case in point -- Dude was the only analyst wearing Isotoners and a wool jacket during Saturday’s World Series pregame coverage in Denver (photos to come, hopefully). Mark Grace, who must be at least 71 years old (or maybe he was just dressed as Abe Vigoda with excessive sun damage for Halloween), was sitting there like he was Magnum PI on vacation in the tropics.

If Joe can’t deal with the expected weather in Colorado, he certainly won’t be able to deal the fair-weathered fans/management in New York.

An Open Letter to Ahman Green

Dear Ahman Green:

I am flabbergasted – I don’t know where to start. Why are you so soft? More specifically, why do you decide to be so soft just minutes before gametime? If you want to be a pussy, make the decision on Friday or Saturday – not on Sunday when the fantasy roster is already set.

Do you enjoy watching Rob Dayne and Adimchinobe Echemandu (the only NFL player more African than Ositadinma Umenyiora) depress the state of Texas? Do you not think you can disappoint as much as they can? Because you can, Ahman Green… you can disappoint on the field just as much as anybody on the Texans. For the final word, I must concede the floor to Lil’ Roto Recall correspondent Chucky Weinstein:



Sincerely,
The Folks at Roto Recall

An Open Letter to My Fantasy Opponent This Week, Shanghai Tang

Dear Shanghai Tang:

Words cannot express what my team will do to yours this week. As such, I will allow the following images (which begin at 1:59 below) to properly demonstate the pain.



FYI, you are represented by the Burmese dudes whose heads explode like watermelons and I am represented by Rambo... John Rambo.

Sincerely,
The Folks At Roto Recall

Rudi's I'd Rather Have On My Fantasy Team...

I'm positive the three Rudy's below would be able to handle the rigors of a NFL season moreso than the Rudi above...

The Most Masculine Man Alive, Clearly

David Beckham has been voted by the readers of AskMen.com as the Most Masculine Man Alive. Thank you to super-unironic Becks fan "top10listen" of YouTube for illustrating just how masculine Mr. Posh really is.

Rudy for President of Red Sox Nation

“I’m not saying that just because I’m here in Massachusetts,” the Republican presidential candidate said to applause and laughs. “If I’m in Colorado in the next week or two, you will see I will have the courage to tell the people of Colorado the same thing.”

So Rudy Giuliani told reporters in Boston that he'll be rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series -- even though he's marketed himself as "#1 Yankee Fan" ever since he realized he could get free tickets as mayor of New York City. Then in order to prove his love for all things Boston (especially Mass. electoral votes), Giuliani ate a lobster roll, recited some lines from "Good Will Hunting" and got impregnated by Tom Brady.

Giuliani also listed off some other things he formerly hated, but now roots for:

-- Al Quada
-- Hair
-- A ban on divorce
-- Ferrets
-- The Bill of Rights (except the right to bear arms)
-- His colon cancer to come back so he can punk out of this race like he did during his 2000 Senate run.

“You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?”

If you needed a reason to be even more sarcastic about the Rockies, check out the article “Rockies Place Their Faith in God, and One Another” that’s in today’s New York Times.

The highlight of the piece is when the Rockies try to show that they’re still “hip” and “with it” and “totally not soft” --

"“To be sure, this is not a bunch of teetotalers, as demonstrated by the Champagne- and beer-soaked celebrations that followed their series-clinching victories. They do not censor the clubhouse stereo, either. Everything from hip-hop to alternative music, like the Amy Winehouse song “Rehab,” played on a loop Saturday morning. “This is still a baseball clubhouse,” (pitcher Matt) Herges said.”

Nothing says “baseball clubhouse” like a Meth-mouthed, drug-addled rat-faced Brit singer-songwriter. I bet Boston is gonna be bumping the Lilly Allen. Oooh, things are gonna get naaaaasty.

So the World Series has officially been framed as the Eddie Harris’s vs. the Pedro Ceranos’s. Jobu is gonna be on point this week.

21-5…

VS.

… will be a perfectly respectable way for Colorado to end their season. Yes, I predict a sweep.

The only team that can beat the Red Sox are the Pats -- Randy Moss would be a wicked awesome center fielder and it would be perfectly acceptable for Belichick to steal signs in baseball.

I can only assume a scenario like this would make Boston fans' head collectively explode. You factor in all the hairspray, gel and other product that drip out of their greasy baked-bean heads, there would be a fire raging from I-93 all the way to Canada that would put Malibu to shame.

Two other quick thoughts on what will be an incredibly quick World Series:

1) The Dominican population of Denver will swell by 252% during the two games that are played at Coors. That being said, Papi will need to huff from oxygen tanks after every trip around the bases. The Mile High City was not designed for the big man.

2) Dustin Pedroia is a manorexic Todd Helton.

The Real Reasons Joe Torre Walked Away...

That golden ray of Bronx sunshine, Joe Torre, is done after 12 years with the Yankees. He refused a contract that included a $2.5 million pay cut as well as the following shameful indiginities:

• Don Mattingly gets to make every third managerial decision.
• Team-given Blackberry replaced with a beeper.
• Chazz Palminteri would play him in the eventual ESPN mini series about the 2007 season, “The Bronx is Gentrifying.”
• Track down Don Zimmer and smother with pillow.
• Forced to clean up the bleachers after every home loss. Forced to clean up bleacher bathrooms after every home loss to Red Sox.
• Take Steinbrenner’s turtlenecks to the cleaners once a week.
• Watch “The Notebook” with George every other Friday night and hold his hand during the nursing home scenes.
• Do off-season work with the new Yankee Stadium construction crew. Not allowed to drive bulldozer.
• In place of the current untenable Giambi/Mientkiewicz/Damon situation, must come out of retirement and play first base.
• Has to stop referring to Cashman as “Jew Costanza.”

Have fun stumping for Rudy, Joe!

Welcome Back Drew Brees…

For the first time in four weeks I am inviting Drew Brees back into my starting lineup (if only because Mr. David Garrad is facing Indy). I sure hope the results aren’t similar to my rewatching of “Tell Me You Love Me” for the first time since its premiere -- which led to this conclusion at the time.


If you missed it, last Sunday’s TMYLM included shots of Boone’s sac and two naked old people grinding hard on a chair in front of a fireplace while taking mighty gulps from a Bordeaux-filled goblet (it was like an X-rated version of the Will Ferrell-Rachel Dratch “Lovers” sketch from SNL).

So Drew Brees… show me you got balls, just don’t show me your balls.

CC Sabathia’s To Do List – 10/18/07

• Wake up. Do 15 minutes on the treadmill.
• Go to Hardee’s and have two Country Breakfast Burritos – extra sausage gravy.
• Stop by the Lower Cleveland Center for Speech Impediment. Torture children in the lisp unit.
• Before heading to the Jake, get 15 pierogis. Stick in mouth. Enjoy.
• Begin traditional pre-game warm up: sit on toilet for 50 minutes, take shower, repeat ‘til gametime.
• Pitch eight innings of five-hit, one-run ball. Make Boston fans cry.
• Drink champagne. Drench nearest female sports reporter with it.
• Return home. Check mouth to make sure you swallowed all the pierogis from earlier in the day. If it was a good one, you’ll find at least two.
• Finish final chapter of “Skinny Bitch” and then go to sleep.
  

Famous People Bill Simmons Knows (And Wants You To Know He Knows)

"Three weeks ago, Malcolm Gladwell e-mailed me..."

Bill Simmons gets personal emails from THE Malcolm Gladwell! They're best buddies! What other famous people does the Sports Guy want you to know he's friends with? The namedropping has included...

Roto Recall's Hero of the Millennium

To the Sports Editor:
To every smug, arrogant, loudmouthed Yankee fan who for the past few weeks has harassed, berated and insulted my beloved Mets, maybe now you have some minimal understanding of the difference between building for the future and talking about past glories. Tony Mocenigo, Hoboken, N.J.

Some of you might say it’s too early to crown the Roto Recall Hero of the Millennium – to those people, I say shut up and trust me on this one. The fact is that Tony Mocenigo took a brave stand against one Phil Cincotta, who you might remember as last week's "A+ Mega-Douche in All of America" (trademark pending).

Phil Cincotta – you just been Mocenigo-ed all over your pale, pasty, Yankee cap-wearing, Jeter-smooching, stale frankfurter-smelling face. Taste it… savor it… remember it.

A Fight That I Would Like To See

Randy Couture VS. Ann Coulter

Since their names are similar, I often get them confused. Apparently this week one of them retired from the UFC while the other made some anti-Semitic comments…

So it would be great if they could just battle each other to death so that I could then just worry about one of them.

Surprisingly enough, Coulter might have the slight edge because her entire skeleton is made out of cartilage.

Charlie Weiss is Getting Desperate For Talent

"The body of George Gipp, the Notre Dame football player who inspired the rallying cry "Win one for the Gipper," was exhumed recently for DNA testing in his Upper Peninsula hometown."

I can only assume that Notre Dame is so desperate to turn their depressing football season around that they are either going to:

A) ... Insert the corpse of the Gipper into the lineup and see what happens. The dude was so tough he can probably still play ironman-style football.

OR

B) ... Clone the Gipper so they can have a squad of 40 hard-guy Gippers. Most likely the science geeks over in Sound Bend have figured out how to fast-track the aging process so that the Gippers will be 20 years old within the next week and a half. Hopefully these Gippers will not be genetically engineered in any way that will make them evil. If that happens, I hope all of the Notre Dame students are prepared to chop the evil Gippers heads off, because one can only assume that bullets will have no effect on their bio-genetically enhanced bodies.

Either way, BC is gonna roll them this weekend.

I'm Sure Even Allan Houston Can't Be Excited About This One

Isiah Thomas loves making sure former basketball players get paid. First he causes his bosses to pony up 10-plus million bones to Anucha Browne Sanders and now he has just resigned Allen Houston. I guess I was only off by a couple of inches when I guessed last week that Isiah was going to bring back Patrick Ewing.

Is he thinking, "How can I get Knicks fans to stop thinking I'm sexist? I know, I'll remind them that I hate making rational basketball decisions more than I enjoy disrespecting women."

In conclusion, Isiah Thomas kind of looks like Angela Basset: