CLOSED FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

Will return with more Roto Recall-ness on January 4.

The Best Spy Novel Involving Football and Terrorism Every Written By A Kicker Currently In The NFL

One might think "Monday Night Jihad" would be the Al Jazeera version of "Friday Night Lights." If only...

It's actually a spy novel by Denver Broncos kicker Jason Elam (and a pastor) about Riley Covington, a football player/soldier who must return to duty in Afghanistan to fight terrorism... ONE... LAST... TIME.

Here's a Roto Recall exclusive excerpt:

Riley stared down at the rocky plans outside Kunduz from the Apache helicopter and saw a group of what appeared to be hostiles disguised as children playing some sort of game that involved the kicking of round sac through a designated area being tended to by a militant jihadist who was the only Talibaner that was allowed to use his hands. Riley laughed, “Those midget terrorists are celebrating the death of Americans by attacking a severed head effigy. Try a real sport like football. HUDDLE UP!” Riley told his troops it was time for the blitz. “This ain’t no two-minute drill, folks. Let’s sack them with our bullets and do the safety dance in the name of America!”

A Simple Plan

A members of Congress would like to get some answers from Roger Clemens about his (alleged) 'roiding.

If they have trouble getting the Rocket to come to Capitol Hill, all they have to do is lay out a trail of needles and HGH from Texas to the District of Columbia. Roger would be there within hours.

The Matchmaker

What if Jets coach Eric Mangini's feminist daughter, Gina, married Mark Mangino's son Gino? They'd be...

Gino & Gina Mangini-Mangino.

You are so welcome.

An Early Luda-Christmas Gift From Roto Recall

It seems as if the Mets won't be making any blockbuster deals this winter. However, Omar definitely needs to spice things up...

... which is why he should sign current free agent and former Met Kris Benson! He could be a solid fourth starter (averaging 11 wins over the past few seasons) and we'd have the lovely and provocative Miss Anna Benson back in the city.

Sure, he missed all of last year with a torn labrum -- but that only affects his vagina, right?

I Bet His Headset Is Also A Gravy Dispenser

Mark Mangino has won the AP Coach of the Year Award.

Mangino said that he was proud to accept the award -- however he was disappointed to discover after taking a bite of it that it wasn't filled with creamy nougat.

Part of me likes to think he has a child named Gino Mangino who is a gynecologist.

Bill Parcells Believes In Assisted Suicide

There can only be one reason that Bill Parcells is planning to accept the VP position with the Atlanta Falcons -- he's has a tumor the size of Jerious Norwood on his grundle and he wants to die.

Dr. Kevorkian would be proud of ya, Big Tuna. Real Proud.

Putts and Bones

George Herbert Walker Bush has been awarded the United States Golf Association's highest honor, the Bob Jones Award -- which is named after golfing great Bobby Jones and not Bob Jones Sr. the evangelical preacher who founded Bob Jones University.

BJU is the one of the most conservative colleges in the country and Bob Jones III actually called George Sr. a "devil" back in 1980.

What I'm trying to say is that I would never have expected a Bush to win a BJ award. Except for Jenna... and probably Billy... twice.

Just Be Sure To Use HGH Next Time

Brian Roberts is very sorry for the one time he got caught using steroids. He fully admits that he got caught and promises that he will never get caught again.


What a stand up guy! He fully deserves his $4.2 million salary because that's what stand up guys deserve to earn!

The Future Mrs. Chris Evert Lloyd Mills Norman

Former tennis star Chris Evert is set to be married for the third time.

Ex-Husby #1: Tennis player John Lloyd
Ex-Husby #2: Olympic skier Andy Mill
Future Ex-Husby #3: Golfer Greg Norman

At this phoofy athlete marriage rate, she should be engaged to a professional croqueter by 2013.

The Break-Up

A-Rod and Scott Boras don't talk anymore!

It's actually a stipulation in Rodriguez's new $275 million contract -- he gets an additional $750,000 for each season that he ignores Boras.



I'd like to think Alex and Scott's last conversation went down like this (Boras = Heidi, A-Rod = L.C.):

Dr. Goldenshower: The Man Who Will Save Baseball

"Don Catlin, one of the world's foremost scientists in the fight against doping, said he has made some headway with the $500,000 that Major League Baseball gave him to begin work on finding an effective urine test to detect human growth hormone."

So basically this guy was given a half million to play around with piss all day. I don't care if he double-bags his mitts in the lab, I would never attend a BBQ at the Catlin family ranch. I bet a blacklight in his home would look like a pee-themed Jackson Pollock painting.

Great Moments In 'Roid Rage

Now this makes much more sense...

Mitchell Report Mad Libs

Making the Mitchell Report an even more entertaining read is quite easy -- turn it into mad libs! For example:

"McNamee injected Clemens approximately four times in the ______ over a several-week period with _____ that Clemens provided. Each incident took place in Clemens's ______ at the SkyDome."

Enter your word choices below! Use your IMAGINATION!

Another BS Marketing Ploy

How can the Powers That Be in baseball try to sell the American people MLB-themed checks, yet NONE of the players in the Mitchell Report use said MLB-themed checks to buy steroids, HGH and the like?

"If Peeing Your Pants Is Cool, Consider Me Miles Davis."

The National Institute of Health released a report stating that one in four adults will experience incontinence at some point in their lives. And some athletes have already been waging a very public battled against Urinitus...

1) Football Coaches -- People love talking about how football coaches are becoming younger and younger; however as long as Joe Pa and Joe Gibbs have jobs, the average age on the head coach will be 82. By the by, these men have definitely wet themselves multiple times (Maybe even twice today). I'm sure they sell adult diapers with Paterno's face on them in the Penn State Book Store. (And let's not forget Lloyd Carr who probably just massively shat himself following the Appalachian State game)

2) Jeff Reed -- Jeff Reed is a kicker in the NFL. As such, he has plenty of time to rage. He has urinated on 75% of people in the picture below.


3) Any Baseball Player Contacted by George Mitchell's Office -- In my mind, Roger Clemens pissed himself in front of all of his K-named kids -- Koby, Kacy, Kory & Kody (The man makes George Forman's naming decisions seem intelligent). And what's the over-under on the number of names on the list that's coming out later today? 121? 267? 444 including Bud Selig? Should be interesting...

"Padre" Must Translate To "Underperforming White Guy" In Spanish

The San Diego Padres are trying to broker a deal with the Pittsburgh Pirates for Jason Bay.

The Pads really seem to dig those overrated white guys. How could anybody be excited about a lineup that includes Greene, Giles, Bay and Ensberg?

Could it work as law practice? Maybe. An accounting firm? Probably. But as players on a MLB roster? Well, I believe Ron Burgundy said it best:

Paul Lo Duca Is A Crazy Person

PAUL LO DUCA GETS OFF THE PHONE WITH HIS AGENT. HE SMILES AND YELLS TO THE DOWNSTAIRS "STUDIO APARTMENT" WHERE HIS MOTHER LIVES.

Paul Lo Duca: Ma! Hey Ma! Pack ya Virgin Marys, Ma! We movin' to DC Ma! (beat) No Ma, Washington DC. (beat) No Ma, I didn't run for Congress. Ma! Listen Ma! I'm a Washington National now, Ma! (beat) Yes, it is sorta like bein' a baseball player, Ma. Now change out of your housecoat and start packin'! (beat) No. Mr. Minaya is not my boss no more. (beat) Ma, you can't call him a mulatto. (beat) No, I don't want no gellato right now neither. Just pack up!

END SCENE.

So Paul Lo Duca is getting feisty in his old age. He's claiming that he signed with the Washington Nationals as a free agent because he'll get the chance to play the Mets 18 times next season... so he can get REVENGE!

He also believes that the Nats have a chance of winning the division.

Seriously.

Paulie probably thinks he's mix between Michael and Sonny -- however the truth is that he's 100 percent Fredo.

Crocketts Are Not So Good Againt Santa Anna's Forces, But Bears...

A five-year-old descendant of Davy Crockett shot and killed a 445-lb black bear in Arkansas last Sunday.

There are many many many amusing things about this story, but the most amusing one to me was this quote: "His 10th great-grandfather was Davy Crockett."

Davy Crockett died at the age of 49 in 1836 in the Battle of the Alamo (where apparently there is not a basement). That was 171 years ago. If you figure even the most rednecked of clans start to procreate at 20 years old, this puts a 1oth great-grandfather somewhere in the French and Indian War. So what we've really learned about the Crocketts is not that they like guns (which I assume across the board whenever "Arkansas" is mentioned), but they get to bangin' and impreggerin' at a dang early early age.

I think the follow up article will be about how the 5-year-old Crockett explained his hunting experience to his 2-year-old son.

Bar This Guy From The Hall of Fame

David Segui has finally come clean and has admitted that he was a 'roider.

Segui deserves the Mark McGwire treatment and should be properly shunned. Not to mention there certainly should be an asterisk put next to his 139 career home runs. Johnny Briggs, Willie Montanaz and Eddie Yost should hold the 448th spot on the all time homer list all by themselves.

The sportswriters better remember this when Segui is up for Cooperstown consideration in 2009.

Starbury, (Colon), What Really Happened to the Knicks, (Comma), Disaster At MSG, (Question Mark)

On one happy day in the near future "Are You Going To Get In The Truck?: The Stephon Marbury Story" will be turned into a feature-length movie. And on that day I hope Tracy Morgan is cast to play Starbury -- because if a man can understand the racial politics of Knuckle Beach, NY, he can most definitely get into the head of the Coney Island native.



Naturally, Isiah Thomas will be played by the CGI midgetized Marlon Wayans.

Vick Hasn't Taken The Stand Just Yet...

Michael Vick has been sentenced to 23 months in prison for being the Don King of dogfighting.

I wonder if they have makeshift "rape stands" in prison.

I also kind of wish "Oz" was still on the air -- that show would do a much better "ripped from the headlines" episode about this than the inevitable one we're gonna get from "Law & Order: SVU." (I can only assume that the sexually mistreated dogs would be vindicated by Detectives Stabler, Benson & Ice-T of the Special Victims Unit.)

Misleading Headline of the Day

Rangers To Sign Bradley To One Year Deal

That's the headline on ESPN's main page. The link takes you to here... which is unfortunate because I was hoping it would be about Shawn Bradley signing with the New York Rangers.



That move would be much more interesting.

Foreign Names Are Funny

Clubs are getting ready to put in offers to Japanese slugger Kosuke Fukudome.

I believe that this dude can single-handedly revitalize and update the dormant "Tastes Great/Less Filling" Miller Lite commercials...

Bland Actor #1: Fuck you...

Bland Actor #2: Do me...

Bland Actor #1: I said, fuck you.

Bland Actor #2: I said, do me.

Bland Actor #1: But I said fuc...

BOB UECKER WALKS OVER.

Bob Uecker: Guys, guys, guys. Settle down. It's Fukudome.

Bland Actor #2: What you say to us?

BLAND ACTOR #1 BREAKS A BOTTLE OVER BOB UECKER'S HEAD AS BLAND ACTOR #2 KNEES UECKER IN THE GROIN. KOSUKE FUKUDOME WALKS OVER AND CURBS BOB UECKER.

Kosuke Fukudome: Watashi no namae wa Fukudome desu. Hasjimemashite. (subtitles: I am Fukudome. You better recognize.)

(I fully admit I'm not too sure what this would be an ad for -- however the product would definitely be much more awesome as a result.)

The Brodie Croyle Checklist

Regain starting QB spot? Check.

Maxim "Hometown Hottie"-like wife? Hella Check.

Look like Jon Heder with a Crunch membership? Double check.

(On a side note, the best thing about Croyle’s previous injury is that “he was inadvertently kneed in the back.” The Chiefs rotating quarterback roster is turning into Showgirls. I'd like to think Herm Edwards has said, "None of the other QBs have got Huard's heat." (contemplative beat) "Brodie's got heat.")

The Amin Thing Might Be Better Than Last Call...

Jason Kidd is on strike.

Carson Daly is not.

Somewhere in hell, the devil laughs and twirls his moustache as he violates Idi Amin's mouth.

Torre (K)needs Andruw?

So the Dodgers sign Andruw Jones to a $36 million two-year contract the same day that Joe Torre has knee replacement surgery? Sounds suspicious... The only scenario could have been:

JOE TORRE IS HELPING BUILD LOW INCOME HOUSING WITH HABITAT FOR HUMANITY SOMEWHERE IN THE GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA. HE IS HAMMERING SOME NAILS INTO WOOD. HIS CELL PHONE RINGS. IT'S DODGERS GM NED COLLETTI.

JOE TORRE: Hello. It's Joe.

NED COLLETTI: It's Big Ned, Joe! We've got some great news for the team.

JOE TORRE: Tell me it's Johan Santana.

NED COLLETTI: It is most definitely not Johan Santana.

JOE TORRE: Haren? Bedard? Blanton? Did the Miguel Cabrera trade get vetoed and now we got him?

NED COLLETTI: You a funny guy, Joe. You got that Giuliani jene se qua.

JOE TORRE: So what is it Ned?

NED COLLETTI: I just got off the phone with Scott Boras. We nabbed Andruw Jones for only $36 million over the next two years! Can you believe it?

JOE TORRE: One second Ned. Let me take this all in.

NED COLLETTI: Sur...

JOE TORRE REPEATEDLY BASHES HIS KNEES WITH A HAMMER AND FALLS TO THE GROUND.

Jewish(ish) Athletes Wish You A Very Happy Hanukkah!

Ira Newble, Ryan Braun, Shawn Green, Goldberg, Jay Fielder, Marty Booker, Mark Spitz and all the other Jewish and Jewish sounding athletes out there wish you a very Happy Hanukkah!