She Better Be Replaced With Somebody Equally Talented And Hot

Maria Sharapova is pulling out of the Olympics with a shoulder injury.



The good news is that she plans to empathize with her Olympic teammates and have a Beijing experience -- she will huff the exhaust pipe of an '84 Corolla Hatchback for the entire duration of the games.

Ron Artest Is The Blackest Man Alive

Yao Ming said that he hopes new teammate Ron Artest won't take fights into the stands anymore. Artest rebutted, " I understand what Yao said, but I'm still ghetto. That's not going to change. I'm never going to change my culture. Yao has played with a lot of black players, but I don't think he's ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture."

Ron Artest keeps it real all the time, 24-7-365. If you disrespect him, he will slap you. If you don't pass him the ball, he will throat-punch you. If you leave a bad review for his album on Pitchfork Media, he will poke out your eardrums with a rusty screwdriver. That's just what his culture is all about. What does he think about Martin Luther King? Pussy. Spike Lee? Cracker. Wilt Chamberlain? He's lucky he's dead, or he'd kill him two times.

Don't ever change Ronald Artest III. Don't you ever even think about it.

The NL West Still Blows

Manny Ramirez has been traded from the Red Sox to the Dodgers. 

Dodgers fans are going to love coming late to the game, watching Manny bat in the 4th and 6th innings and then leave in the middle of the 7th. 

As part of the trade, Jason Bay goes from Pittsburgh to Boston. I'm sure him, JD Drew and Dustin Pedroia will have fun being really really really white together. Klansmen are going to start feeling uncomfortable in the Boston clubhouse. 

 

And The New Jet Li Movie Is Coming Out Next Week Too!

Chinese officials say the air pollution index in Beijing has dropped over 50% since they enacted their air quality measures last week in preparation for August's Olympic Games.

In other great news, Chinese officials added that dog eating is down 23%, Tibetan stomping is down 4%, and the Great Wall is 31% longer and girthier.

Astronaut Artest

Ron Artest has been traded from the Sacramento Kings to the Houston Rockets.

A charmed life that Ronnie Artest has. I'd like to think his day-to-day activities go a little bit like this:

Anything In A Plastic Bottle Will Do

The Ginn Tribute, one of the richest tournaments on the LPGA tour, won't return in 2009.

Luckily, John Daly's gin tribute will continue through the end of his liver, which is projected to fail in early 2011.

Baghdad Baseball Tonight

Manny Ramirez said he would not block the Red Sox from trading him, stating, "I don't care where I play, I can even play in Iraq if need be."




I think we've found the next Adam Sandler movie: A spoiled major leaguer plays his way out of MLB and gets traded to a team in the brand new Iraqi Baseball Federation. We can call it "Oil Field of Dreams"

Rob Schneider will be CGI-ed so that he plays every Iraqi baseball player in the league.

A Small Wonder

"An 8-year-old girl was ejected from a junior tennis tournament on New Zealand's South Island when officials discovered she was wearing a radio earpiece to receive instructions from her father."

The little girl also tested positive for HGH, anabolic steroids and bull testosterone. She has since been legally emancipated from her dad and is currently fathered by Nick Bollettieri.

They grow up so fast!

Shaq Could've Used His Guidance

Sid Craig, one of the founders of the weight-loss company Jenny Craig who was also a minority owner of the Phoenix Suns, has died.

It has been reported that his last meal was a sensible dinner.

The Esplanade Took Nine Years To Build

Rutgers football coach Greg Schiano has an out-clause in his contract permitting him to leave the university without a financial penalty if the school doesn't finish building the expansion of their football stadium by 2009.



I find it hard to believe that a guy named Schiano would be allowed to leave an organization in New Jersey without a penalty.

It was a pretty stupid clause to include in his contract to begin with. The stadium job is union work. If you figure the project began in late 1983, there's no way that stadium is opening until February 2016.

Cat Fight!

A scuffle broke out on the court during the Los Angeles Sparks-Detroit Shock WNBA game. This lead to Shock assistant coach and former Pistons forward Rich Mahorn pushing Sparks star Lisa Leslie to the ground.

I truly believe Rich Mahorn did not intend to physically assault Lisa Leslie.

He just wanted to cop a feel.

In The Pen, How Many Cigarettes Equal a Sports Bra?

Former Olympian Marion Jones has asked President Bush to commute her six-month prison sentence. She is serving time for lying to federal agents about using steroids (in addition to check fraud). 

Silly Marion Jones. Doesn't she know W. only commutes prison sentences for people who lie for him to federal agents?

His Background In Cheerleading Was Useful For This

George W. Bush gave an inspiring speech to nearly twenty-five U.S. Olympians at the White House this weekend.

This is the closest W. has been to prospective dopers since his time back at Deke.

The Judges Spent A Lot Of Time With The Evidence On This One

The 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals has thrown out the F.C.C.'s $550,000 fine against CBS for the 2004 "wardrobe malfunction" which occurred during the Super Bowl halftime show and featured Janet Jackson's pierced nipple.  

Excellent. Now the F.C.C. owes America punitive damages. That fine frightened tons of female superstars of the 80's and 90's from displaying their breasts on national television -- Mariah Carey, Jewel, the chicks from En Vogue, etc. 

Roto Recall says that the American people should get a two-hour prime time special composed of a compilation of desperate and famous boobies. Who's with us?   

Frisky Shark

53-year-old Greg Norman is second on the leaderboard at the British Open.

There is only one logical explanation for this:

Chris Evert has a magical vagina.

It must operate along the same lines as a Stargate, taking whomever passes through it on fantastical adventures that would never ever be possible in our dimension. Clearly the U.S. government must sequester the Evert vagina so that al-Qaeda can never get their hands on it.

"I Know You. I Know You."

Two American synchronized swimmers are appealing to an arbitrator to overturn a decision not to allow them to compete in Beijing.

Wow.

It's like you expect synchronized swimming to be about the sport. You know... the swimming and the water floating and the leg kicking and the shower caps... but then something like this happens and it just totally jades you. I want to believe in the purity of synchronized swimming, but how can I when there's so much animosity out there within the synchronized swimming community?

Well, enough is enough, goddamn it. Roto Recall would like to hold the first ever Peace In Synchronized Swimming Conference at its apartment. All the girls can sleep over and we can talk -- really talk -- about the state of synchronized swimming and how we can all learn to appreciate each other's skills and passions and nose plugs. Maybe there will even be a pillow fight.

Let's make it happen, ladies!

Buying Tickets Is A Privilege, Not A Right

New York Giants fans will have to shell out between $1000-$20,000 in personal seat licensing fees for season tickets in their new stadium.

This means you have to chunk down some cash before you even buy your tickets. The meeting where this was brought up must have been surreal:

Giants VP of Money Hording: We need to figure out a way to raise ticket prices without actually raising ticket prices. How do we do it?
Money Hording Analyst #1: We could increase the money we charge on all tickets.
Giants VP of Money Hording: That sounds a bit too similar to raising ticket prices.
Money Hording Analyst #2: Instead of raising ticket prices we could increase our advertising rates with our corporate sponsors.
Giants VP of Money Hording: You're fired. Get the hell out of here right now.
Money Hording Intern: What if we impose a large fee for the right to buy tickets?
Giants VP of Money Hording: So you're saying we take their money before we take their money? It's a two-stage money-taking process?
Money Hording Intern: I guess.
Silence. The Giants VP of Money Hording starts a slow clap.
Giants VP of Money Hording: You just saved the New York Giants, Intern! You just saved the Giants!
The Money Hording Intern is carrying out of the conference room on everybody's shoulders...

Good Thing His Nickname Isn't "Nuclear" Or "B.J."

Former UFC champion Quinton "Rampage" Jackson" has been hospitalized for a mental health evaluation after he led police on a three-mile car chase and caused three separate accidents.

When asked why he did this, Jackson simply answered, "Training for my next fight, that's all. Training. Oh. And my nickname is 'Rampage' so I thought it would be cool to justify it. "

Fidelito Has A Lot Of Time On His Hands

Fidel Castro has released an essay in which he complains about baseball being dropped as an Olympic sport in the 2012 games. He also tells Cuban fans to go easy on their national team if they do not win the gold in Beijing, telling them to blame jet lag instead.

Castro wrote, "They are going to the Olympic Games, which will be played on the other side of the world, where sleeping patterns and the rhythm of life changes."

They main "rhythm of life" change for the Cuban team will be continuous electricity.

My favorite thing about Fidel is how much he cares about baseball. Oddly enough, that's also the one thing that I don't dislike about George W. Bush. It would be great if the two of them could do a "Pardon the Interruption" talk show together.

Fidel: The imperialistic Alexander Rodriguez flexes his injustice with every sway of his lumber and each leg stroke he makes circularly through the path of the bases.
W.: I like A-Rod. But not as much as Madonna does, I bet. (snickering laughter for 45 seconds)
Fidel: He has no allegiance to ideology. He is a cog who should be a factory. A drop of a water who should be a typhoon.
W.: I took Laura to Hurricane Harbor this weekend. We did the lazy river all morning. I've still got the prune fingers to prove it. Hey Fidel...
Fidel: What George?
W.: I got a joke for you. Who was Stalin's favorite baseball team?
Fidel: He was really more of a weightlifting kind of guy.
W.: The Reds. Get it? The Reeeeeeeeeds. (snickering laughter into commercial break)

"I Won't Be Ignored, Lambeau!"

Brett Favre is thinking about just showing up at Packers' training camp in order to call their bluff.

The Packers brass should rent "Fatal Attraction" because this is where it's all heading. The dialogue is really quite on the nose:

Green Bay Packers: You're so sad. You know that, Brett Favre? Lonely and very sad.
Brett Favre: Don't you ever pity me, you smug bastards.

Green Bay Packers: I'll pity you... I'll pity you. I'll pity you because you're sick.
Brett Favre: Why? Because I won't allow you treat me like some QB you can win a Super Bowl with and who gets banged up a couple of thousand times and then throw in the garbage?

I would not be surprised if a Cheesehead winds up getting boiled.

I Thought NHL Would Be More Gang Related

"NFL to review tape for evidence of on-field gang signs"

Wow. This is really racist. I'm pretty sure they won't be focusing on Eli Manning for this one.

However, I was suspect of Chad Johnson when he put on that giant Hall of Fame jacket on Monday Night Football last season. I thought I read somewhere that's part of MS 13's initiation ritual.

I think the NFL should donate all their earnings on Raiders paraphernalia from the past twenty years to anti-gang charities. I bet they'd be down for that, right?

The All Star Blame Game

It's tough to point fingers after a great 15-inning All Star game, but that's why the folks at Roto Recall get the crazy, mad hook ups at all the clubs...

Why did the National League lose 4-3?

Easy. It's the fault of Wisconsin. They're the ones who voted in Cory Hart, the guy who didn't have the C.P.M. (Cojones Power Milk) to throw out Justin Morneau at the plate in the bottom of the 15th with the game on the line. 

Thanks a lot you cheese-eating, cow-tipping, Badger-banging, home of Laverne & Shirley, as well as the Fonz, state. You just blew it. 

I hope C.C. Sabathia chokes on a racing sausage. Or Penny Marshall. 

     

Canoeing Is Hardcore

Gyorgy Kolonics, the Hungarian two-time gold Olympic gold medalist in canoeing, died while training for next month's games.

Moral of the story: Don't push the Kolonics too hard or something bad will happen. 

I'm looking at you on this one, Avril Lavigne.    

Can The Holy Ghost Bend It Like Beckham?

Soccer pro Chase Hilgenbrinck of the New England Revolution has quit the game in order to join the priesthood.

Dude could've just had a similar experience by coaching youth league soccer. 

I Know Why Barry Bonds Can't Find A Team...

... it's because he never smoked crack and found Jesus. 

As Tyrone Biggums once quoted from the Bible, "He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it."   

A Van Dyke Would Be Dashing On Him

Barry Bonds' agent has said that "prospects look bleak" for the home run king to return to the majors this season.

Maybe Barry should grow a mustache. Baseball is way more willing to embrace cheaters who look like pedophiles.

  

The Redskins Name Is Pretty Wrong Too

The Washington Redskins have signed their first round draft pick QB Colt Brennan. 

Frankly, if the Washington Bullets had to change their name to the Wizards, then Colt Brennan should have to do the same with his name and make it less gunny and less porny. But he should still try to stick with something that has a white supremacist tilt to it -- Aryan Brennan, perhaps?

A Gold Medal In Maintaining A Tight Grip On Order

Organizers for the Beijing Olympics have released their list of security measures for next month's games. 

The measures include a ban on spitting, radioactive materials and long-handled umbrellas. 

Their means of enforcement are way more interesting though -- it mainly involves the overarching sense of dread that if you violate the rules you will be detained and never see your family again. 

Now let's watch some tiny girls dive into a pool and try to care about it! 

The Dodgers Like To Cut and Run

The Los Angeles Dodgers have officially terminated their contract with their Spring Training facility in Vero Beach, Florida, thus shutting down Dodgertown. 

But apparently all is not lost -- Andruw Jones has been telling some women at The Body Shop and the Playpen and Jumbo's Clown Room that Dodgertown will always live on, and I quote him on this, "in my pants." He then added, "It's Spring Training 365 days a year down there."

2 Fast 2 Panderous

Barack Obama may sponsor a car in a NASCAR race next month. 

Ralph Nader is also interested in sponsoring a car -- tho it's sole purpose is to take fans away from Obama's.

Not to be outdone in reaching out to "real Americans," John McCain will have Kimbo Slice buzz his name into his chest hair for his next MMA match.

Headline Of My Life

"Dunleavy fingers agent for Brand's change of heart"

Imagine what Mike Dunleavy would've done to the agent if Elton Brand would've resigned with the Clippers...

At Least It Won't Be Hot And Muggy The Entire Time

For the first time in it's history, total prize money at this year's U.S. Open will top $20 million. 

Also for the first time in the tennis tournament's history, water will top $10 per bottle and an ice cream sundae will top $23. 

Enrique Better Defend Her Honor

ATP board member and former tennis pro Justin Gimelstob has been dropped from a series of commercials for the U.S. Open for making sexist comments about Anna Kournikova on a radio show last month.


Clearly this needs to be settled Bobby Riggs-Billie Jean King style: a battle of the sexes match, best of five sets, removing an article of clothing for each unforced error -- exactly the way Riggs and King played it in the '70's.

Your move, Kournikova.

The Roto Recall Bandwagon Is More Like A Band-Stretch Hummer Limo...

... I've got room for everybody who wants to hop on board.

Our current hitchhiker is ESPN's Eric Young. Young makes a bold and original statement in his cuurent Baseball Tonight Column -- the Mets should sign Barry Bonds.

That's a great idea -- too bad Roto Recall made the same proclamation A MONTH AGO!

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery -- and I've heard variations of that adage a lot, so I guess the guy who came up with it should be flattered, but Roto Recall isn't.

Step off Young. The next time you write a column, enter the whole thing into Google and then add "Roto Recall" to the end of it. If any matches come up, scrap it and start over.

You've been warned.

Cecil Fielder Ate A Lot Of Hot Dogs There

Tiger Stadium, abandoned since 1999, will finally be demolished.

Once they do the same to the rest of city, Detroit will be a pleasant place to take in a ballgame.

By the way, hasn't Detroit been abandoned since at least 1989? I'm pretty sure the only people who live there are Kwame Kilpatrick and RoboCop.