And That, Children, Is How Budford Q. Selig Saved Baseball

Baseball Commish Bud Selig received a round of applause when he told a crowd in St. Louis, "I am satisfied and I believe our fans are satisfied that we're doing everything and have done everything we can possibly do."

He then showed them exactly how baseball is gonna nip this whole steroid/HGH thing in the bud -- by basing the new testing system on the Homeland Security Advisory Threat Level System.

Yes. A colored-coded chart is going to save baseball and it's going to look like this:

Red (Severe) -- Holy fucking shit. We would ban you from baseball for life, except you're probably going to die from brain cancer at any moment. And stop punching that concrete block; you're getting knuckle blood on the carpet.

Orange (High) -- We are really disappointed in the decisions you have made and have come to the conclusion... Oh wait, it's just you Roger. Carry on.

Yellow (Elevated) -- How dare you! (wink wink) You are so banned from playing baseball for the next day and a half. (nudge nudge) Don't you ever do illegal performance enhancing substances again, you cad! (thumbs up sign)

Blue (Guarded) -- You can't drink five Red Bulls and snort some lines of Ritalin before a game anymore. Sorry.

Teal (Low) -- Congrats! There's no illegal substances in your blood stream. Unfortunately, we're gonna have to cut you from the roster because we just signed this monster player. The dude has got acne on his back that can hit the ball farther than you.