A-Rod Needs To Make That Money

Alex Rodriguez has an enormous amount of incentive clauses in his nearly finalized $300 million-plus contract with the Yankees. While some of the clauses are quite obvious -- he gets an extra six million for breaking Barry Bond's career HR record -- others have been buried in the fine print:

• He'll get $1.5 million to learn how to pee standing up.


• If the Yankees lose in the first round of the playoffs (or miss them entirely), the team will produce and market a New brand of cologne -- Alex Rodriguez’s ““Clutch.”” (The double quotes are on purpose as it only works on drunk fat chicks and never when you need it to on beautiful women.)


• He’ll be allowed to perform an extended 15-minute Krump-influenced humping dance on the Babe Ruth memorial in Monument Park once he passes the 714 home run mark.

And as a true deterrent to any poor play by A-Rod, Hank Steinbrenner will give the superstar his patent-pending reach-around back rub for every error, strikeout and/or misplay on the base paths Rodriguez may make throughout the duration of his contract.